My question: To do or not to do?

The new doctor rang yesterday to report the results of my blood tests. For the first time I didn't look at the blood request form to see what tests he requested, but it didn't matter because he reported that in his opinion my homocysteine levels are normal (at 9.6) and he thought my kidneys are also normal.

On hearing this, DH's whole demeanor changed before my eyes. He is convinced that the time of looking for answers for the reason for our infertility is over. He believes we just need to try IVF again (and again) and see whether it works.

In some ways I agree with him. I'm ready to just try again and see what happens. Our RE did tell us that by doing limited fertilisation it will take more cycles to conceive. The answers don't seem to be coming for us, and if they do they are controversial and the controversy between doctors is doing my head in.

However, it's difficult to change mindsets about my infertility. For years I've felt like something is wrong, but it hasn't been obvious to me or the medical community what it is. Even my diagnosis of endometriosis seems so cloudy, unclear and lacking definition. No one can tell me HOW it effects me and my ability to conceive and stay pregnant. And I want to KNOW. Why? So I can overcome infertility and be a mother. Many of the blogs I read have women (and men) who have found out what medical conditions they have and seemingly BAM...they are pregnant and problem solved. I know this is a simplistic synopsis that doesn't account for the pain in the journey, but it's this pattern, TTC-no baby-tests-diagnosis-treatment-baby, that stands out for me at the moment.

So now I'm trying to not seek answers, and it's HARD! My first instinct is to run to Dr Google. Then I want to book in with my naturopath again. Then I want to go to the only doctor who tests for NK cells in my town (the only thing I think I haven't been tested for yet!) I want to read even more on MTHFR, I want to see if I can import Ne.evo into Australia (I don't think I can). It's so hard to not DO anything.

Is it the right thing to not DO anything? To stop looking for reasons for my infertility? To stop asking why?

Meh...

Yesterdays doctor's appointment did not go as expected. Essentially he scoffed at the MTHFR and homocysteine diagnosis, saying that it makes no difference to a woman's ability to conceive or give birth to healthy children, and suggested that the doctor who made the diagnosis gets excited by blood test results that she shouldn't be excited by.

When he said this, so bluntly, I felt the world collapse from under me and I couldn't stop crying. I realised how much hope I was putting in this diagnosis being the answer to all our problems. As you can tell from my last post, I was expecting that we would have a clear direction after yesterdays appointment; a decision of whether we would stop or continue IVF.

So the appointment didn't turn out like either DH or I expected. It did not give us the direction we are so obviously craving. The doctor did send me for blood tests to recheck my homocysteine level (I have no idea why) and suggested that is might be a marker for something else wrong in my body. He seems to be thinking there might be something wrong with my kidneys. At this point I was feeling a little incredulous. I mean, who cares about my kidneys when my entire reproductive system isn't working!!? DH explained to me (putting his medical hat on for a moment) that the kidney's regulate hormones and have a great deal to do with fertility.

So. I'll get blood results back on Thursday or Friday and I have a couple of tests/ultrasounds I'll need to get to in between Christmas, New Year and holidays.

We're not completely decided as to whether we will continue IVF in 2011. I feel so very fragile emotionally and I feel I won't be able to bear another loss. Also, I can't help wondering if the feeling I had back in my early 20s that I'll never be a mother should be heeded. I know feelings can be just feelings, but I want to hear God's call on my life and I plan to spend the holiday break praying and listening to God.

The end feels nigh

Well it has been a terrible few months, but now my computer is (finally) up and running again I can begin to process in blogging form what has happened. After our miscarriage in July (wow, time flies!) I developed a thyroiditis, which first made me hyperthyroid. This went undiagnosed for months and I thought I was going crazy or was clinically depressed as I was not sleeping, not eating, agitated, hot all the time, highly stressed and anxious etc etc. Thankfully it was picked up when we went to a doctor who specialises in recurrent pregnancy loss who ran a whole battery of tests. Interestingly, as we were monitoring my thyroid over a couple of weeks, it went normal one week and then hypothyroid the next, where it has stayed. We met with an endocrinologist who put me on thyroid replacement hormone and I have started to feel "normal" in the past few weeks, which is a welcome change! Evidently my thyroid issues won't effect us doing IVF in the new year, we will just need to monitor my levels and adjust medication if it's required.

However, DH and I do find ourselves at the "pointy end" of our TTC journey. The recurrent miscarriage doctor diagnosed me as compound heterozygous for the MTHFR gene, with elevated homocysteine levels. She put me on high dosages of folate and B vitamins, but we recently discovered that this treatment did not lower my homocysteine levels as would be expected. She said she had another patient in this situation who had to import ?Be.taine from the US, which dropped her levels and she is now pregnant and will give birth in the new year. However our doctor does not feel comfortable (for a reason I do not know) to recommend Be.taine for us so she has referred us to (yet) another doctor who we will see next week. Evidently he is quite the specialist in the area so I look forward to meeting with him.

In all the reading I have done high homocysteine levels are associated with implantation failure, recurrent pregnancy loss, pre-eclampsia, early delivery, and issues in children such as neural tube defects, down syndrome, and even autism spectrum disorders. Until such time as we can (hopefully) lower my homocysteine levels I feel unwilling to undertake IVF again because I don't want to put myself or my child at any increased risk. So that's why we're at the make or break stage now. Hopefully this new doctor will be able to reduce my homocysteine levels and we can restart IVF in 2011. If not, we will start to prepare ourselves for the end of TTC and working out what will be next for our lives.

Sometimes I feel hopeful that this will all work out the way I have wanted it to for the past 3 1/2 years - with me birthing and parenting a healthy child. Other days I feel so close to never being a mother that it takes the breath out of me and I feel like I can't move. Sometimes I enjoy not having kids and the quality time I get to spend with my wonderful DH. Other days my heart, and even (it seems) the walls of my home, cry out for the company of children and I miss my children in heaven so much.

God is showing me through all of this that everything I have, even myself, is His. My life, my husband, my home, the lives of our children, our material blessings, all of it belongs to Him. He gives and He takes away. And He does all things for His glory. I am trying to use those things He has given me to bring Him the glory He deserves. Praise be to God!

MIA

> Just when I'd planned to get back into regular blogging and
> commenting, both my computer and Internet connection broke down.
> Aargh so annoying! I've spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to
> post via the email on my phone. I'll be back real soon so be
> prepared, I think I finally have lots to say!! :)
>
>

Control

One of the biggest problems I have is with feeling out of control. When I'm feeling this way I speak without thinking, I cry, I argue....essentially I can't pretend that I'm a nice person. I've always looked at people who appear always friendly, always smiling, always nice and envied them. I don't think I'm a "nice" person. I like to debate and argue, I'm emotional, I think and analyse, I like to say what I think. Generally I balance this with love, compassion and empathy towards others, but when I feel out of control I am a selfish brat who feels and reacts and doesn't always consider the needs of others.

Since we lost our son I have been feeling so very out of control. I've been angry, grieved, jealous, devastated, hopeful, questioning, fearful, guilty. I've been afraid that most of my friends and family can't handle me this way, so I've, for the most part, stayed away from them. Usually I think this has been an ok decision, because most of my friends and family truly can't handle me when I'm emotional. Most people I know are even-tempered and would be easily shocked by an outpouring of emotion or a questionning of God, my life and my role.

There are a few people, however, who will take me as I am and push me onto greater things. My DH, my very-fertile-friend, my now-pregnant-fellow-infertile-friend, my single friend, my sister. And in the past few months I have realised that God too accepts me as I am, as he made me, as he knows me to be, and similarly he wants to make me grow and change in him.

I've been playing a big avoidance game; from friends and family, from life, from this blog, and from God. DH and I recently started what we like to call our "spiritual" journey. After having been Christians for years we were challenged by a friend's journey into the spirit-filled life. A long story made short, it has resulted in us reading "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Forster. One of the powerful lessons for me has been that God can use my prickly bits to relate to me. Through meditation and prayer (the first 2 disciplines outlined in the book) I have learned to use my imagination, my visual thinking, my analysis, emotion and honesty as I speak and relate to God. And he has spoken back!

And you know what he has shared with me? That I can wait on him, trust him, let him be in control. God is working on my control issues and helping me be happy with who I am, in him.

I was going to share the practicalities of what has been occurring in the past few months, but the issue of control in my life was like the white elephant in the room and it needed to be exposed. I have treated the blog-o-sphere like my friends who can't handle my raw emotion, I have seen it as something to be controlled, as a space for my friendly thoughts, nice manners and happy face. I don't know necessarily what I want it to be, what it should be, but it's a collection of (some of) my thoughts and feelings and that's ok.

I don't know anything

It's been a while since my last post, and who knows, maybe no one will see this post because you've all given up on me. It's obvious to say it but I haven't felt like blogging lately. I find it difficult to write when my head is full of thoughts and feelings that I can't make sense of. Certainly my last post had me questioning whether it was right for us to continue with IVF, whether we would ever be pregnant, whether we would ever have children.

So imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant.

Yep, pregnant. (But don't get excited, this story doesn't have a happy ending). We had decided to do a long down regulation IVF cycle to see if it would suppress my endometriosis. We also decided that we would grow out any embryos to day 5/blastocyst, thinking that they would be stronger and survive their introduction into my womb better than if they were younger.

So we transferred one "perfect" blast and hoped for the best. I went in 2 days early for my BT since I had had implantation difficulties previously. HCG = 42. Not high, but definitely pregnant. Two days later, HCG = 72. Not exactly doubling, but Dr Google assured me that doubling time could take between 2-4 days. Three days later, HCG = 160. Ok, we're pregnant, let's wait for the scan. First scan at 7wks5d, heartbeat = 131! There's a real baby in there! But FS concerned and wants to have another scan because baby is measuring a few days behind. Second scan 8wks5d, heartbeat = 158 and baby has caught up 9 days worth of growth in 7 days. Yay, starting to feel excited and graduate to OB.

OB appointment at 10 weeks, no heartbeat. Baby has died. D&C scheduled for following week.

Grief follows. Yesterday I would have been 12 weeks pregnant. We had less than a 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing the baby's heartbeat. One of my best friends is 15 weeks pregnant today.

I thought I knew. Then I realised I didn't know. Now I know absolutely nothing.

Knowing

Can I know? I mean really know in the deep recesses of my mind and soul that I will never bear children?

When I was about 10 years old I told my Nanna that I felt like I knew things, knew them before they happened and wasn't surprised when they did happen. She told me that she believed the women in our family have such a gift of knowing. I was 10 so I took this as fact and didn't ask about it further. She died when I was 16 and I never talked to her about it again.

From childhood I knew that I would die at 20. This isn't as morbid as it sounds. It was one of those thoughts in the back of my mind. A statement similar to "I am going to school today" in its weight and yet not as immediately obvious as to its truth. I was convinced it was true. Yet it didn't impact me greatly, I was young and I still planned and dreamed for my adult life. The thing is, I did die when I was 20. Not a physical death, but a spiritual one. A month before Easter in the year I was 20 years old I was given the gift of faith, and as such counted myself "dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus" (Romans 6:11). In scriptural words my old sinful self died and I was born again (John 3:3, 1Peter 1:23).

During high school I became convinced that I would lose my first child. Again it was a calm knowing, a quiet fact, one that didn't bother me as much as impending exams, hormones, friends and boys. Since that time I have miscarried my first child, and numerous others.

In the weeks following my conversion to Christ I had a strong knowing sense that I would never have children. I talked about it with my Mum and she shared she had always feared that would be true for her too, and yet it obviously wasn't and she told me not to worry. At the time I wasn't worried about it. Again it was simply a fact, a deep stirring in my heart with no immediate implications as I wasn't in a relationship and had no plans for marriage.

During this most recent IVF cycle I knew I would get pregnant. I've never known before, never had that deep confidence that I would conceive. I've hoped, prayed, and misinterpreted symptoms, but never known I would be pregnant. I find myself almost unable to explain how I knew (and how I didn't know it wouldn't continue). It seems ridiculous to me, a trained scientist-practitioner, that I would support a theory based on gut instinct without any tangible evidence. Then again, I suppose that is what (a simplified view of) faith is.

So as my DH and I face another IVF cycle I am pondering this question: Do I know that I can't have children?

There is no medical evidence that I won't conceive or bear a child to term.
I do not have a direct revelation from God saying that I won't have children.

And yet I have had a feeling for 10 years that I won't have children, and a growing heart and love for children in need. Years ago my DH and I discovered our love for children, not just our hoped-for own, but all children, in all circumstances. We planned (huh!) to have a couple children of our own and then to foster children in need, to combine our desire for a big family with our heart for struggling and lost families.

I feel terribly confused. I think that the answer won't become apparent until it's the right time, but I could do with some guidance.

Shortlived

Spotting last night turned into full flow this morning.

We are heartbroken and confused as to why this keeps happening.

Ahem

... two pink lines ....

The second line was distinct, not as dark as the control line, but it was clear, even in the half light at 4:30 this morning. It's been a week since my last HcG injection so the result shouldn't be impacted by that.

We're optimistically, cautiously happy (how's that for a statement). We've had a number of chemical pregnancies so we're not about to get too excited. However, it's been a long time since we've seen that elusive second line, so we are happy. (Even DH was happy when I woke him up to tell him at 4:30!)

I had some further cramping last night but it hasn't continued today. Despite some mild nausea this morning (which could have been due to dinner last night) I'm feeling well.

I'm trying to not worry or be anxious. A blood test on Wednesday will hopefully confirm what the stick reported today. I don't plan to POAS again. I don't feel pregnant, but I suppose that's not too unusual, it's so early and not everyone experiences pregnancy symptoms early on.

9dp3dt...

...And I woke up feeling very premenstrual this morning, after having a dream that my period had arrived (it hasn't). I'm hoping I'm as successful as my DH in foretelling the future.

I'm tired, my br.easts are a little sore, I had brief sharp cramps (x3), I was nauseous this morning. These are the usual premenstrual symptoms, complicated by an awful case of hayfever.

The combination of all this yuckiness has broken my resolve to not think about whether I may be pregnant or not. My period would be due tomorrow so I'm going to POAS in the morning, since tomorrow is the only day that is not filled with people and busy-ness, and will allow me time to process whatever the stick reveals.

I realise that I'm not out yet. This cycle only finishes when AF shows herself or I get a negative blood test. I've just had a "feeling" this cycle...and we know how trustworthy they are!

How many days am I?

I do love a FET cycle. I'm (stopping to count on my hands...) 5dp3dt today and I'm feeling really good. There is something wonderful about not pumping your body full of hormones from CD3. I've had 2 luteal support injections of HcG (Pre.gnyl) but otherwise it's a completely natural cycle.

The differences between this cycle and our first IVF our huge. The main difference is how relaxed I feel. I haven't felt worried or guilty, I haven't (yet, there's always time!) analyzed every symptom. In fact, the only time I've had "symptoms" is following the hormone injections, so I know them to be the side effects of the drug. I don't feel stressed and I'm hoping that this will continue to be the case.

I have no idea what our little embryo is doing inside me. I'm hoping that it's starting to implant and will continue to grow into a baby. I'm so grateful to God for creating this child and I pray that He will always look after that which He has created - on Earth or in Heaven. But please Lord, let our baby live on earth!

My blood test is on 31st March. How many days away is that? 7 full days (...after checking on the calendar... oh how I hope this relaxation continues!)

Transfer Day

All went swimmingly well today at the transfer (not anywhere near as traumatizing as IVF #1!)
Our one embryo had continued to grow, and was at 8 cells today (3dt).

It was great chatting to the embryologist, I found out lots of information that our FS hadn't told us. Evidently there is only a 10% chance of eggs thawing and they did not hold much hope for any of our three frozen eggs. He also commented that frozen eggs do not generally fertilize and grow as well as fresh eggs and they were again surprised and pleased when our embryo grew so well. He pointed to a chart on the wall and said our embryo looks better than the one pictured! If I love hearing compliments about our embryo, imagine how much more I'll savour them when it's born a baby!

I had an acupuncture session afterward and am now feeling very relaxed. As usual I plan to rest for most of today and for something different I plan to make red velvet cupcakes this evening for the first time (KK you inspired me!) :)

I read this article and it's made me think a lot about guilt and pressure in trying to do all the "right things" to achieve a pregnancy. I've changed my diet, I've visited a naturopath, I consult an acupuncturist, I take vitamins, I'm on extended leave from work, I've reduced caffeine, won't now drink alcohol for two weeks...etc... In the past two weeks I haven't stuck so closely to my diet and I was starting to feel guilty and worried.

I've realised (again!) I have little control over my fertility. I do not need to be afraid, I need to trust that the God who has created my embryo will continue to bring it life, if He chooses to. Each day of this TWW I will choose to trust in Him who is the author of life, and not in what I eat, do, or think. I will continue to do the eat, drink, relax thing if I find them helpful and easy to manage. But I know that if this embryo lives or dies it is because God made it so.

Aaagh. Two Week Wait... we meet again! :)

Triple YAY!!!

DH has passed his exams - all of them!!

We're so excited and relieved. We're even planning a party to celebrate. Tonight we're going out for drinks and dinner, I've bought him a present, his Mum is making his favourite dessert (trifle) for a family lunch on the weekend. You can tell this is a big deal for us!

He's worked so hard and I'm so proud of him. I'm married to a very smart man, even his Dad rang and told me so!

I can't wait for him to get home from work so we can happy dance together!

He's no prophet

Last night my DH, in an uncharacteristically pessimistic and doomsday-ish kind of mood, predicted that Wednesday would be one of the worst days of our lives. He predicted that,

a) we would find out that our one egg didn't fertilize, hence cancelling this cycle,
b) my friend would email me back and say she no longer wanted to be friends with me, and
c) we would be notified that he failed his exams, which he studied for 3 months for and needs to pass to proceed with his work training.

He was freaking me out because he's normally the calm, don't count our eggs until they've fertilized kind of guy. And these predictions were definitely the worse case scenario.

Thankfully his predictions started proving false with a couple of hours. My friend emailed me and said she is really keen to make things right and to recommence our friendship at the previous deep level (yay!). I spoke to the nurse an hour ago to hear that our one egg fertilized and we are planning ET on Thursday (double yay!!) Now we wait until tomorrow to see his exam results - can we be heading for a triple yay!!!??? I'll be praying for it to be so.

It only takes one

So please, please let it be this one!

I just got off the phone with the nurse who said that out of 3 frozen eggs only one survived the thaw.

I could tell in her voice that she was ringing to prepare me so I was relieved to hear that at least one survived. Tomorrow we will hear if our one egg fertilizes.

It's not great odds, but I'm hoping we can still proceed to transfer on Wednesday.

(Haven't heard back yet from the friend who I emailed on Friday (see last post). Trying not to worry about it, but who am I kidding? I've checked my email every half hour for the past 3 days!)

Is honesty the best policy? Time will tell.

I've done it. I'm absolutely freaking out.

I received another email today from my semi-estranged friend, full of polite niceties and nothingness, asking about how my week has been etc. I don't know why but when responding to her today I was completely honest. (I've mentioned her in previous posts, she is the BFF who went through IF with me, got pregnant, refused to discuss her pg or my infertility any more, moved away and only ever emails me with infuriating and badly-timed casual statements like "whatcha been up to this week?" despite me trying to discuss real things with her like we always used to)

I told her that if she wanted to continue being my friend she needed to be willing to discuss and front up to my infertility and stuff that's gone wrong between her and me over the past year.

Now I just wait for her reply.

Ugh, I feel sick!

The weight of the world

The last week has been overwhelming to say the least. All I can do is summarise.

• A good friend told me I needed to ask God for the gift of speaking in tongues so I could be healed from my infertility. I do not agree. Hence a long conversation, filled with tears on both sides, ensued. We finished the conversation well, it was never really heated or angry, it was just difficult to discuss our different viewpoints. (FYI, she is also my very fertile friend).
• My mother-in-law asked me, "How long do you plan to continue treatments for?", inferring that it had been going on long enough. We've done 1 IVF treatment and are only just starting!!
• My mother-in-law is driving me crazy generally. She rings me almost every day, saying how much she misses me - even if I only saw her a week ago!! I've never really minded the attention before now, I know she's a little lonely and likes to "mother", but she is someone who can't handle much emotion and given I'm always emotional (even at the best of times) I have been avoiding her a little since ART began.
  
• My sister-in-law has been very unwell and stayed with us for 3 days over the weekend so we could care for her. I was so glad to serve her in this way, but it has left me tired.
• Another friend, who I met and bonded with over shared IVF experiences, finally became pregnant with her 2nd child after multiple IVF attempts. At 7 1/2 weeks she was told the baby would be unlikely to survive. A week later the baby was holding on to life. Another doctor's appointment today should provide more information.
  
• My Mum's twin brother has recently been diagnosed with a type of thyroid cancer.
  
• DH's uncle has an aggressive form of cancer and is undergoing a stem-cell transplant and is very unwell. I'm close to one of his daughters and would like to support her better but they live interstate so it's difficult to help much.
  
• A FS appointment regarding our FET cycle revealed low odds of our eggs thawing. This means we have decided to do ICSI to ensure that any thawed eggs will be fertilised. We continue to hope and pray and wait.
  
• DH gets his exam results back in a week. He is slowly becoming agitated. Again we hope, pray and wait.
• I hurt my back during an aerobics lesson. Silly me pushed myself too far, thinking I was younger and fitter than I am. Now am walking like a much older version of myself - hunch-backed!
  

My house is a mess. I know that this reflects my state of mind. The weather has changed, almost as soon as Autumn arrived, and it is grey and gloomy outside.

I am feeling the weight of the world. But I know to who I can turn to relieve my burden. Praise be to God.

CD2

Our break is over and now we are back to TTC. I was praying for a miracle BFP during our break, especially after my FS suggested that it could happen but I'm not all that surprised that it didn't happen, even still I'm a little disappointed.

So the first lot of good news is that we start our FE(egg)T cycle this month! Maybe I should be calling it a FO(oocyte)T cycle to avoid confusion? I spoke to one of the clinic nurses this morning and it sounds like it will be a relatively relaxed affair, no pre-drugs and no theatre, but I will get more information from her tomorrow after she speaks to our FS.

The second lot of good news is that AF came yesterday without any cramping whatsoever! I have never, never, never had this happen before. Before surgery to remove endometriosis I would wake in the middle of the night with chronic period pain and couldn't return to sleep until after a lot of painkillers. After surgery the pain reduced so that I didn't need painkillers for the first 6 months, but since then I have needed painkillers again, although the pain hadn't returned to waking me in the night. But no pain?! Such a joy and a surprise. I'm pretty sure this isn't just an anomaly, because it's never happened before. It's likely that the combination of the new diet and the naturopath's herbal mixture eradicated the pain.

Oh I hope I continue to be pain-free and that I get pregnant too! What a great motivation to continue with the diet plan.

The year of the baby

Technically it's the Chinese year of the Tiger, but my DH keeps calling 2010 "the year of the baby". Of course I'm happy to go along with this. I wonder how many babies born this year would have been christened "Tiger" if the Tiger Woods scandal hadn't have broken?

Four days (and counting) to CD1 and start of FET cycle!

LOL

Stands for Lady of Leisure.

I met with my manager yesterday and she approved my leave without pay from work ... for the entire year! I wasn't really expecting it to be that long, but I think it worked better for her because she can offer someone a longer, albeit temporary, contract.

It's freaking me out that I don't need to return to work until 2011. I've been kind of bored and restless the last few days so I'm hoping I can find enough to occupy me for the next 10 months. What am I thinking?!? I have IVF to do and a baby to make (God willing, of course) - I'll have lots to do!

On another note, I also spoke yesterday with a baking teacher at a local adult education centre about my love of making bread, especially sourdough. He said he would try to find me a place in a course being offered to apprentice bakers in artisan bread making that is starting soon! I'm so excited.

So in at least one way this year
I will be putting a "bun in the oven"
(*cue laughter and eyerolls*)

LOL

It's a 2WW...

...of a different kind.

And I must say that I prefer this wait than any other that has preceded it. I'm full of excitement and anticipation in starting our next IVF cycle in 2 weeks. We're doing a modified version of FET. DH and I decided that we didn't want to freeze embryos, so instead we froze three eggs from our first IVF. In two weeks I'll find out what the process of defrosting, fertilizing, transferring and drug-taking is.

I'm praying that God would bless us with a pregnancy through IVF. That He might see that we desire to honour and please Him more than we desire to be parents. That He knows that our desire to be parents is strong and that we trust in His sovereignty.

Irony

Last night I ovulated.

For me this is a pretty normal occurrence. It's all part of my "normal" infertility existence. This time I felt it when I ovulated. This is not my usual experience, but it has happened before.

When I felt it, I felt something else too. It's hard to explain.

It's something like sadness but with more hope.

It's like a reflection of my past when I considered myself fertile, and yet now I know I am not.

It's feeling normal and functional, but not expecting anything to come from it.

It aches in me and yet at the same time it lightens me and reminds me to hope.



I will to continue to trust in the Lord. For he knows the plans he has for me, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

There is no irony there. Just clear-cut truths.

DH has left the building...

Exams are over! Yippee! And today DH returned to work. Oh well, that's life and it is some consolation to me that he was looking forward to going back. I woke up early with him this morning and it was nice to see him putting on a shirt and tie, rather than the usual comfortable but daggy study clothes. He looked so handsome!

Another good thing about him returning to work is that his study is tidy and clean! Another yippee! I like tidy, it helps me to relax.

A further good thing is that because I got up early today I have already completed the grocery shopping and put it away. Unfortunately I wasn't early enough to the supermarket to avoid the mothers with their young children (which still tug at my heart strings), but it's good that I have the day stretching out ahead of me.

That being said, I don't have a lot to do. I mean, there's always chores, but I don't always feel like doing them. I took time off work to focus on IVF treatment, as I wasn't coping with the child-centred and emotional nature of my work, but I haven't done any treatment for the past 2 months. Ironically I'm due to start back at work in early April, a month after we recommence IVF. I don't think I'm ready to go back to work yet. I have a meeting with my manager on Friday morning to discuss me coming back, but I'm going to ask her for another 5 months. I figure by then I'll have more of an idea of what is happening in my life and what I am capable of.

But for today I have a craft project that has been waiting for me, a cake decorating class to prepare for, and a curry to cook for dinner. That should be plenty to keep me entertained until DH comes home.

The blessing of family

I really have the most wonderful family. Sure sometimes I feel like the black sheep: misunderstood and isolated, and subsequently my family can get on my nerves.

But my family love me and they show it. And for that I am so grateful.

Take my husband for example. Amidst his study stress he has been thoughtful, attentive and loving. He's always willing to listen and talk to me and he asks for very little in return. He's interstate for his final exam this morning and he still thinks to send me a message telling me he loves me and asking if I slept okay without him. Since we've been married he has tried so hard to show me love in the way I need to be loved (i.e. kind words, conversation and quality time). I am truly blessed to have him.

Last night my mum and sister took me to the outdoor cinema in our town to see Sherlock Holmes. We packed a picnic and they made sure that the food they had planned fit in with my new diet. They paid for my ticket. They picked me up and dropped me home. We had a lovely night together and I felt so loved by them.

When speaking to my mother-in-law the other day I tried to invite myself over to dinner at her house for tonight, as they live close to the airport where I will pick up DH and they always want me to come over, even if DH is out of town. They had plans to go out, but this morning I get a message from my 22 yr old brother-in-law asking me over for dinner because he will be home alone. He even offered to cook! (But I think I'll pick up takeout on the way!) What a wonderful boy!

In the past few years I expected (hoped) that my family would grow with the addition of children to our marriage. This has not yet happened and I hope that it still will. What has happened instead is that my family has grown in other ways. Four years ago I married and inherited two brothers, one sister, and two parents-in-law. In the past year the two elder siblings of my DH have started relationships and these people are starting to become friends. Three years ago my sister got married to a wonderful man. Last week when she was OS for work he came over for dinner and we had a fantastic night of conversation and laughs. He is becoming a truly wonderful brother. DH's cousins are becoming my cousins and friends. My cousin's wives are slowly becoming friends. Dear friends of mine are starting to describe me as their sister.

My family is expanding. Not in the way I expected. But in a truly beautiful and amazing way all the same. I praise God for how he has blessed me in this way.

Recap

It's laughable that my last post was entitled "slowly coming back", and then I disappear off the radar for what seems like an age. Partly that's because very little has been happening in our TTC conceive world as we are on a break. It's also because my DH has been madly studying for exams and has virtually lived in the study where we keep our computer. By the time I am allowed access it's just before bedtime, when I'm trying to stop my reflective mind from whirring so I can sleep. So slowly meant slowly. But I'm back now. DH has his first, of four, exams this morning so I've reclaimed the computer. Sure, I had to clear a path to it, stack piles of paper that threatened to fall, and find a clear space to sit, but I'm here now, with my back to the disarray, enjoying my time back typing and reflecting.

A summary of the past weeks may help (me, maybe not you, you may not be interested, if you are still reading anyway!). This is what I've been up to:

• Started a endo-based diet. Strictly it involves no dairy, caffeine, sugar, soy, red meat, or wheat. On advice I'm slightly less strict.
• Visited a naturopath for advice. Altered diet slightly, was recommended a high-antioxidant diet. Now eat: whole grains, lots of fruit/veges, reduced wheat, green tea, natural yoghurt, reduced milk, no sugar, organic meat in decreased amounts, no soy. I'm loving the whole grains thing. Who would have thought that barley and buckwheat could be so tasty?! Even DH is happy. Naturopath also made up a foul tasting herbal mixture for me to drink 2x day. The things we do...
  
• Continued my growing obsession with making sourdough bread, which has seen me do LOTS of baking, even in the crazy heat which characterizes an Australian summer! Discovered that my naturopath is also an enthusiast and she suggested that the fermentation process may be good for my gut - yay! That being said, I try to keep the consumption to a minimum.
• Started a cake decorating course. This is in no way conducive with my diet, but it's more of a craft exercise so I can justify it. Also hoping to do a course in sweet artisan bread soon too.
• Had internal 3D scans and blood doppler tests and was told again that everything looks normal - oh how I'm learning to hate that word. Surely if I was truly normal I would be pregnant by now?
• Keep hearing good news stories of friends who have been TTC for a long time with ART finally becoming pregnant. Yay for KK for her and TFO's wonderful surprise! Yay also for S and J who have both become pregnant via IVF after many cycles. I'm excited for you all. This also makes me look forward to resuming treatment ourselves, come on AF, I know you've just left but I'm looking forward to your return! (for the first time ever!)

I think that brings me up to date to the current moment. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow, reading, writing and commenting. I've missed this so much. With DH studying (and seemingly only capable of discussing what he's learning), being a long-term TTC so that friends/family don't tend to ask anymore, and not having access to this blog, I've been kinda lonely and pent up. Beware blog world, flood gates may open...!

Slowly coming back

I've been sad. I've been angry. I've been lonely and bored. I've lacked direction.

Grieving the loss of "Squirmy" and then taking a break from TTC (as DH prepares for professional exams) has been one of the most difficult times of my life.

Oh, and it coincided with Christmas. The time when people say, "Christmas is all about the children" and gather around the two newborns in my family. Even the sermon at church on Christmas Eve was entitled "Christmas is for the children". Sure the point was that the birth of Jesus is for all people, at all times, and in all places, but never have I heard the words baby, birth and pregnancy so many times during a church service. Ouch! I prefer Easter, which our pastor described as the "adult themed holiday" - with violence, torture, lies, tears and jeers, and murder, rather than tinsel, toys and Christmas trees.

As I re-read what I've written I realise I sound hard and cynical. I'm really not. I prefer Easter because of the great sacrifice Jesus made for me. I prefer it because it is not as over-commercialised as Christmas so I enjoy it for the beautiful simplicity of its message. Salvation. Just beautiful.

Now I realise I'm just rambling. There is no TTC to talk about. By mid-February DH will have finished his exams and we'll start our second IVF, hoping that our eggs will defrost ok. I've ordered books about endometriosis so I can learn all I can about our only diagnosis. One of them is a therapeutic diet that I'm interested in trying.

I'm slowly coming back. I've missed my TTC friends.