Thursday, December 17, 2009


Each year, around this time, a theme for the following year comes to me. Usually it's a different theme for each year, something to focus on, to ask God for, and to grow in. The first year of my knowing God the theme was Relationship as I sought to know him better. The first year of my marriage the theme was Submission as I sought to not overpower my husband with my (often argumentative) point of view. Not surprisingly the past couple of years, as we've attempted to conceive a child, the theme has been one of Patience.

When I first believed in God someone said to me to be careful what I ask him for, because the answer to my prayer may be different than the one I expected. This advice has often been accurate. During the year where I sought relationship with God I was newly and unusually single and longed for a boyfriend. I believe God kept me single for 3 years so I could strengthen my relationship with Him. Although somewhat frustrated with this at the time, God's wisdom prevailed and I maintained a strong faith as well as marrying a man with a similarly strong faith.

When I thought we were having trouble conceiving, 6 months into trying and approaching the new year, I asked God to teach me patience and trust over the coming year. Well God decided that I needed to continue that lesson of patience into the following year and this year's theme has continued the same. I am pleased to say, that under God I have developed patience beyond which I could have ever imagined two years ago.

This brings me to my theme for 2010. Yesterday I read in my Bible:

"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.... 12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1

My theme for next year is Perseverance. May God bless me with the wisdom, maturity, and faith that I require to run this race called life. May God uphold me in faith so that no matter what 2010 holds I will be confident in the promises my God has made.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

An unhealthy dose of fear

I just can't stop crying. I don't want to go out. I just want to hide away and not think about anything.

When I think I start to get scared.

I'm scared at the strength of my grief. I'm scared that the only mothering I'll ever get to do is grieving my lost children. I'm scared I'll never hold my children in my arms. I'm scared I'll lose all my friends. I'm scared to go out in case I lose the plot/feel angry at families with children/break something and/or scream. I'm scared that people might see this side of me. I'm scared of having nothing to do, of having no goals during the next two months break from TTC. I'm scared of how much I'll scream at people when they say, "Count your blessings", or "It wasn't to be" or "maybe next time". I'm scared that there will be no end to this horrible, painful, insidious time of infertility.

I'm scared that I'm not myself. I'm scared that I won't be the self that I have dreamed of since I was 10 years old, I'm scared I won't be able to call myself "Mother".

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I'm not

I'm not pregnant. AF came this morning.

Devastated. Poor Squirmy. I've lost part of myself.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I have no idea

Nope, not a one. I could not tell you whether I thought I was pregnant or not.

I've had symptoms. But what are symptoms when you are taking a nightly dose of progesterone? Most likely they're side effects, not symptoms.

I can tell you that I have no HPTs in the house. I know because I searched the house when I got out of bed this morning. DH and I decided that we wouldn't test and would wait until BT on Wednesday. But this didn't stop me looking for them. I'm promising myself I will not buy any when I shop for groceries later today.

I hate waiting. I need to know. But I need to wait to know. DH and I have planned our week around knowing. Neither of us have anything planned for Wednesday. If it's bad news we'll grieve together. If it's good news we'll dance around in circles. There will be no in between. We'll grieve or we'll celebrate.

But for now I'll wait. And I'll try to do it patiently.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Oh, emotion

Today is not such a good day. I was going so well. Then yesterday, the emotions hit. It started when my cousin came over and told us about his new baby and how he wasn't sleeping much at all and how stressed his wife is. I sympathized, I really did. I told him I would be praying for them, and I am. But as he was telling me I was struck with such sadness. My cousin was obviously tired, distressed and worried. It was great that he could talk to me and DH about it. However, the selfish infertile in me thought "at least you have a baby" and "at least you can talk about this with people." I was horrified that I would think like this and that it would make me so sad.

Today the sadness continues. I accidentally made my Mum think that I am pregnant. I was at her house and having a whinge about the physical symptoms I am experiencing. She heard "sore bre.asts" and assumed I was pregnant. I've told her about IVF and about hormone treatments but she hadn't put two and two together to realize that my symptoms are related to the artificial hormones. I felt so bad that my whinging had caused her to hope.

I would take all these symptoms (sore BBs, veins, tiredness, nausea, night urination) and more if someone would just tell me I'm pregnant. Tell me that it's my baby doing this to me and I will relish the opportunity to vomit daily, need a nap after doing the vacuuming, and get up while it's still dark to use the toilet.

I will go through anything to be pregnant.

Undergoing fertility treatments makes me think that I will endure anything to be pregnant.