One of the biggest problems I have is with feeling out of control. When I'm feeling this way I speak without thinking, I cry, I argue....essentially I can't pretend that I'm a nice person. I've always looked at people who appear always friendly, always smiling, always nice and envied them. I don't think I'm a "nice" person. I like to debate and argue, I'm emotional, I think and analyse, I like to say what I think. Generally I balance this with love, compassion and empathy towards others, but when I feel out of control I am a selfish brat who feels and reacts and doesn't always consider the needs of others.
Since we lost our son I have been feeling so very out of control. I've been angry, grieved, jealous, devastated, hopeful, questioning, fearful, guilty. I've been afraid that most of my friends and family can't handle me this way, so I've, for the most part, stayed away from them. Usually I think this has been an ok decision, because most of my friends and family truly can't handle me when I'm emotional. Most people I know are even-tempered and would be easily shocked by an outpouring of emotion or a questionning of God, my life and my role.
There are a few people, however, who will take me as I am and push me onto greater things. My DH, my very-fertile-friend, my now-pregnant-fellow-infertile-friend, my single friend, my sister. And in the past few months I have realised that God too accepts me as I am, as he made me, as he knows me to be, and similarly he wants to make me grow and change in him.
I've been playing a big avoidance game; from friends and family, from life, from this blog, and from God. DH and I recently started what we like to call our "spiritual" journey. After having been Christians for years we were challenged by a friend's journey into the spirit-filled life. A long story made short, it has resulted in us reading "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Forster. One of the powerful lessons for me has been that God can use my prickly bits to relate to me. Through meditation and prayer (the first 2 disciplines outlined in the book) I have learned to use my imagination, my visual thinking, my analysis, emotion and honesty as I speak and relate to God. And he has spoken back!
And you know what he has shared with me? That I can wait on him, trust him, let him be in control. God is working on my control issues and helping me be happy with who I am, in him.
I was going to share the practicalities of what has been occurring in the past few months, but the issue of control in my life was like the white elephant in the room and it needed to be exposed. I have treated the blog-o-sphere like my friends who can't handle my raw emotion, I have seen it as something to be controlled, as a space for my friendly thoughts, nice manners and happy face. I don't know necessarily what I want it to be, what it should be, but it's a collection of (some of) my thoughts and feelings and that's ok.
20 hours ago