Friday, December 24, 2010

My question: To do or not to do?

The new doctor rang yesterday to report the results of my blood tests. For the first time I didn't look at the blood request form to see what tests he requested, but it didn't matter because he reported that in his opinion my homocysteine levels are normal (at 9.6) and he thought my kidneys are also normal.

On hearing this, DH's whole demeanor changed before my eyes. He is convinced that the time of looking for answers for the reason for our infertility is over. He believes we just need to try IVF again (and again) and see whether it works.

In some ways I agree with him. I'm ready to just try again and see what happens. Our RE did tell us that by doing limited fertilisation it will take more cycles to conceive. The answers don't seem to be coming for us, and if they do they are controversial and the controversy between doctors is doing my head in.

However, it's difficult to change mindsets about my infertility. For years I've felt like something is wrong, but it hasn't been obvious to me or the medical community what it is. Even my diagnosis of endometriosis seems so cloudy, unclear and lacking definition. No one can tell me HOW it effects me and my ability to conceive and stay pregnant. And I want to KNOW. Why? So I can overcome infertility and be a mother. Many of the blogs I read have women (and men) who have found out what medical conditions they have and seemingly BAM...they are pregnant and problem solved. I know this is a simplistic synopsis that doesn't account for the pain in the journey, but it's this pattern, TTC-no baby-tests-diagnosis-treatment-baby, that stands out for me at the moment.

So now I'm trying to not seek answers, and it's HARD! My first instinct is to run to Dr Google. Then I want to book in with my naturopath again. Then I want to go to the only doctor who tests for NK cells in my town (the only thing I think I haven't been tested for yet!) I want to read even more on MTHFR, I want to see if I can import Ne.evo into Australia (I don't think I can). It's so hard to not DO anything.

Is it the right thing to not DO anything? To stop looking for reasons for my infertility? To stop asking why?


  1. Honestly? I'm not sure I could stop trying to 'work it out', to pinpoint what was going on. 'Unexplained' doesn't sit well with me. But at the same time... sometimes you need to let go to stay sane. Only you can know where you are at right now and if you can push that to the side for the moment.

  2. I feel your's hard not having a definitive answer, no proven treatments, just a bunch of doctors throwing out guesses. Boo. Just when you think you have an answer...not so much. Praying you find guidance soon!

  3. I wish I knew, too. I feel like I am "giving up" by not pushing to "do more," but then I just don't feel like I have it in me...or enough "do more." And maybe not "doing more" is what God is leading me to do? But then am I just "giving up"? See, I go in circles too.

    I am so sorry your appointment last week was not more helpful or hopeful. :(

  4. Hey,

    I just found your blog through a mutual friends. Just wanted to say hi and that I am walking this infertility road with you. Hope you recieve your heart's joy soon.