Knowing

Can I know? I mean really know in the deep recesses of my mind and soul that I will never bear children?

When I was about 10 years old I told my Nanna that I felt like I knew things, knew them before they happened and wasn't surprised when they did happen. She told me that she believed the women in our family have such a gift of knowing. I was 10 so I took this as fact and didn't ask about it further. She died when I was 16 and I never talked to her about it again.

From childhood I knew that I would die at 20. This isn't as morbid as it sounds. It was one of those thoughts in the back of my mind. A statement similar to "I am going to school today" in its weight and yet not as immediately obvious as to its truth. I was convinced it was true. Yet it didn't impact me greatly, I was young and I still planned and dreamed for my adult life. The thing is, I did die when I was 20. Not a physical death, but a spiritual one. A month before Easter in the year I was 20 years old I was given the gift of faith, and as such counted myself "dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus" (Romans 6:11). In scriptural words my old sinful self died and I was born again (John 3:3, 1Peter 1:23).

During high school I became convinced that I would lose my first child. Again it was a calm knowing, a quiet fact, one that didn't bother me as much as impending exams, hormones, friends and boys. Since that time I have miscarried my first child, and numerous others.

In the weeks following my conversion to Christ I had a strong knowing sense that I would never have children. I talked about it with my Mum and she shared she had always feared that would be true for her too, and yet it obviously wasn't and she told me not to worry. At the time I wasn't worried about it. Again it was simply a fact, a deep stirring in my heart with no immediate implications as I wasn't in a relationship and had no plans for marriage.

During this most recent IVF cycle I knew I would get pregnant. I've never known before, never had that deep confidence that I would conceive. I've hoped, prayed, and misinterpreted symptoms, but never known I would be pregnant. I find myself almost unable to explain how I knew (and how I didn't know it wouldn't continue). It seems ridiculous to me, a trained scientist-practitioner, that I would support a theory based on gut instinct without any tangible evidence. Then again, I suppose that is what (a simplified view of) faith is.

So as my DH and I face another IVF cycle I am pondering this question: Do I know that I can't have children?

There is no medical evidence that I won't conceive or bear a child to term.
I do not have a direct revelation from God saying that I won't have children.

And yet I have had a feeling for 10 years that I won't have children, and a growing heart and love for children in need. Years ago my DH and I discovered our love for children, not just our hoped-for own, but all children, in all circumstances. We planned (huh!) to have a couple children of our own and then to foster children in need, to combine our desire for a big family with our heart for struggling and lost families.

I feel terribly confused. I think that the answer won't become apparent until it's the right time, but I could do with some guidance.

Shortlived

Spotting last night turned into full flow this morning.

We are heartbroken and confused as to why this keeps happening.

Ahem

... two pink lines ....

The second line was distinct, not as dark as the control line, but it was clear, even in the half light at 4:30 this morning. It's been a week since my last HcG injection so the result shouldn't be impacted by that.

We're optimistically, cautiously happy (how's that for a statement). We've had a number of chemical pregnancies so we're not about to get too excited. However, it's been a long time since we've seen that elusive second line, so we are happy. (Even DH was happy when I woke him up to tell him at 4:30!)

I had some further cramping last night but it hasn't continued today. Despite some mild nausea this morning (which could have been due to dinner last night) I'm feeling well.

I'm trying to not worry or be anxious. A blood test on Wednesday will hopefully confirm what the stick reported today. I don't plan to POAS again. I don't feel pregnant, but I suppose that's not too unusual, it's so early and not everyone experiences pregnancy symptoms early on.

9dp3dt...

...And I woke up feeling very premenstrual this morning, after having a dream that my period had arrived (it hasn't). I'm hoping I'm as successful as my DH in foretelling the future.

I'm tired, my br.easts are a little sore, I had brief sharp cramps (x3), I was nauseous this morning. These are the usual premenstrual symptoms, complicated by an awful case of hayfever.

The combination of all this yuckiness has broken my resolve to not think about whether I may be pregnant or not. My period would be due tomorrow so I'm going to POAS in the morning, since tomorrow is the only day that is not filled with people and busy-ness, and will allow me time to process whatever the stick reveals.

I realise that I'm not out yet. This cycle only finishes when AF shows herself or I get a negative blood test. I've just had a "feeling" this cycle...and we know how trustworthy they are!

How many days am I?

I do love a FET cycle. I'm (stopping to count on my hands...) 5dp3dt today and I'm feeling really good. There is something wonderful about not pumping your body full of hormones from CD3. I've had 2 luteal support injections of HcG (Pre.gnyl) but otherwise it's a completely natural cycle.

The differences between this cycle and our first IVF our huge. The main difference is how relaxed I feel. I haven't felt worried or guilty, I haven't (yet, there's always time!) analyzed every symptom. In fact, the only time I've had "symptoms" is following the hormone injections, so I know them to be the side effects of the drug. I don't feel stressed and I'm hoping that this will continue to be the case.

I have no idea what our little embryo is doing inside me. I'm hoping that it's starting to implant and will continue to grow into a baby. I'm so grateful to God for creating this child and I pray that He will always look after that which He has created - on Earth or in Heaven. But please Lord, let our baby live on earth!

My blood test is on 31st March. How many days away is that? 7 full days (...after checking on the calendar... oh how I hope this relaxation continues!)

Transfer Day

All went swimmingly well today at the transfer (not anywhere near as traumatizing as IVF #1!)
Our one embryo had continued to grow, and was at 8 cells today (3dt).

It was great chatting to the embryologist, I found out lots of information that our FS hadn't told us. Evidently there is only a 10% chance of eggs thawing and they did not hold much hope for any of our three frozen eggs. He also commented that frozen eggs do not generally fertilize and grow as well as fresh eggs and they were again surprised and pleased when our embryo grew so well. He pointed to a chart on the wall and said our embryo looks better than the one pictured! If I love hearing compliments about our embryo, imagine how much more I'll savour them when it's born a baby!

I had an acupuncture session afterward and am now feeling very relaxed. As usual I plan to rest for most of today and for something different I plan to make red velvet cupcakes this evening for the first time (KK you inspired me!) :)

I read this article and it's made me think a lot about guilt and pressure in trying to do all the "right things" to achieve a pregnancy. I've changed my diet, I've visited a naturopath, I consult an acupuncturist, I take vitamins, I'm on extended leave from work, I've reduced caffeine, won't now drink alcohol for two weeks...etc... In the past two weeks I haven't stuck so closely to my diet and I was starting to feel guilty and worried.

I've realised (again!) I have little control over my fertility. I do not need to be afraid, I need to trust that the God who has created my embryo will continue to bring it life, if He chooses to. Each day of this TWW I will choose to trust in Him who is the author of life, and not in what I eat, do, or think. I will continue to do the eat, drink, relax thing if I find them helpful and easy to manage. But I know that if this embryo lives or dies it is because God made it so.

Aaagh. Two Week Wait... we meet again! :)

Triple YAY!!!

DH has passed his exams - all of them!!

We're so excited and relieved. We're even planning a party to celebrate. Tonight we're going out for drinks and dinner, I've bought him a present, his Mum is making his favourite dessert (trifle) for a family lunch on the weekend. You can tell this is a big deal for us!

He's worked so hard and I'm so proud of him. I'm married to a very smart man, even his Dad rang and told me so!

I can't wait for him to get home from work so we can happy dance together!

He's no prophet

Last night my DH, in an uncharacteristically pessimistic and doomsday-ish kind of mood, predicted that Wednesday would be one of the worst days of our lives. He predicted that,

a) we would find out that our one egg didn't fertilize, hence cancelling this cycle,
b) my friend would email me back and say she no longer wanted to be friends with me, and
c) we would be notified that he failed his exams, which he studied for 3 months for and needs to pass to proceed with his work training.

He was freaking me out because he's normally the calm, don't count our eggs until they've fertilized kind of guy. And these predictions were definitely the worse case scenario.

Thankfully his predictions started proving false with a couple of hours. My friend emailed me and said she is really keen to make things right and to recommence our friendship at the previous deep level (yay!). I spoke to the nurse an hour ago to hear that our one egg fertilized and we are planning ET on Thursday (double yay!!) Now we wait until tomorrow to see his exam results - can we be heading for a triple yay!!!??? I'll be praying for it to be so.

It only takes one

So please, please let it be this one!

I just got off the phone with the nurse who said that out of 3 frozen eggs only one survived the thaw.

I could tell in her voice that she was ringing to prepare me so I was relieved to hear that at least one survived. Tomorrow we will hear if our one egg fertilizes.

It's not great odds, but I'm hoping we can still proceed to transfer on Wednesday.

(Haven't heard back yet from the friend who I emailed on Friday (see last post). Trying not to worry about it, but who am I kidding? I've checked my email every half hour for the past 3 days!)

Is honesty the best policy? Time will tell.

I've done it. I'm absolutely freaking out.

I received another email today from my semi-estranged friend, full of polite niceties and nothingness, asking about how my week has been etc. I don't know why but when responding to her today I was completely honest. (I've mentioned her in previous posts, she is the BFF who went through IF with me, got pregnant, refused to discuss her pg or my infertility any more, moved away and only ever emails me with infuriating and badly-timed casual statements like "whatcha been up to this week?" despite me trying to discuss real things with her like we always used to)

I told her that if she wanted to continue being my friend she needed to be willing to discuss and front up to my infertility and stuff that's gone wrong between her and me over the past year.

Now I just wait for her reply.

Ugh, I feel sick!

The weight of the world

The last week has been overwhelming to say the least. All I can do is summarise.

• A good friend told me I needed to ask God for the gift of speaking in tongues so I could be healed from my infertility. I do not agree. Hence a long conversation, filled with tears on both sides, ensued. We finished the conversation well, it was never really heated or angry, it was just difficult to discuss our different viewpoints. (FYI, she is also my very fertile friend).
• My mother-in-law asked me, "How long do you plan to continue treatments for?", inferring that it had been going on long enough. We've done 1 IVF treatment and are only just starting!!
• My mother-in-law is driving me crazy generally. She rings me almost every day, saying how much she misses me - even if I only saw her a week ago!! I've never really minded the attention before now, I know she's a little lonely and likes to "mother", but she is someone who can't handle much emotion and given I'm always emotional (even at the best of times) I have been avoiding her a little since ART began.
  
• My sister-in-law has been very unwell and stayed with us for 3 days over the weekend so we could care for her. I was so glad to serve her in this way, but it has left me tired.
• Another friend, who I met and bonded with over shared IVF experiences, finally became pregnant with her 2nd child after multiple IVF attempts. At 7 1/2 weeks she was told the baby would be unlikely to survive. A week later the baby was holding on to life. Another doctor's appointment today should provide more information.
  
• My Mum's twin brother has recently been diagnosed with a type of thyroid cancer.
  
• DH's uncle has an aggressive form of cancer and is undergoing a stem-cell transplant and is very unwell. I'm close to one of his daughters and would like to support her better but they live interstate so it's difficult to help much.
  
• A FS appointment regarding our FET cycle revealed low odds of our eggs thawing. This means we have decided to do ICSI to ensure that any thawed eggs will be fertilised. We continue to hope and pray and wait.
  
• DH gets his exam results back in a week. He is slowly becoming agitated. Again we hope, pray and wait.
• I hurt my back during an aerobics lesson. Silly me pushed myself too far, thinking I was younger and fitter than I am. Now am walking like a much older version of myself - hunch-backed!
  

My house is a mess. I know that this reflects my state of mind. The weather has changed, almost as soon as Autumn arrived, and it is grey and gloomy outside.

I am feeling the weight of the world. But I know to who I can turn to relieve my burden. Praise be to God.

CD2

Our break is over and now we are back to TTC. I was praying for a miracle BFP during our break, especially after my FS suggested that it could happen but I'm not all that surprised that it didn't happen, even still I'm a little disappointed.

So the first lot of good news is that we start our FE(egg)T cycle this month! Maybe I should be calling it a FO(oocyte)T cycle to avoid confusion? I spoke to one of the clinic nurses this morning and it sounds like it will be a relatively relaxed affair, no pre-drugs and no theatre, but I will get more information from her tomorrow after she speaks to our FS.

The second lot of good news is that AF came yesterday without any cramping whatsoever! I have never, never, never had this happen before. Before surgery to remove endometriosis I would wake in the middle of the night with chronic period pain and couldn't return to sleep until after a lot of painkillers. After surgery the pain reduced so that I didn't need painkillers for the first 6 months, but since then I have needed painkillers again, although the pain hadn't returned to waking me in the night. But no pain?! Such a joy and a surprise. I'm pretty sure this isn't just an anomaly, because it's never happened before. It's likely that the combination of the new diet and the naturopath's herbal mixture eradicated the pain.

Oh I hope I continue to be pain-free and that I get pregnant too! What a great motivation to continue with the diet plan.