I don't know anything

It's been a while since my last post, and who knows, maybe no one will see this post because you've all given up on me. It's obvious to say it but I haven't felt like blogging lately. I find it difficult to write when my head is full of thoughts and feelings that I can't make sense of. Certainly my last post had me questioning whether it was right for us to continue with IVF, whether we would ever be pregnant, whether we would ever have children.

So imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant.

Yep, pregnant. (But don't get excited, this story doesn't have a happy ending). We had decided to do a long down regulation IVF cycle to see if it would suppress my endometriosis. We also decided that we would grow out any embryos to day 5/blastocyst, thinking that they would be stronger and survive their introduction into my womb better than if they were younger.

So we transferred one "perfect" blast and hoped for the best. I went in 2 days early for my BT since I had had implantation difficulties previously. HCG = 42. Not high, but definitely pregnant. Two days later, HCG = 72. Not exactly doubling, but Dr Google assured me that doubling time could take between 2-4 days. Three days later, HCG = 160. Ok, we're pregnant, let's wait for the scan. First scan at 7wks5d, heartbeat = 131! There's a real baby in there! But FS concerned and wants to have another scan because baby is measuring a few days behind. Second scan 8wks5d, heartbeat = 158 and baby has caught up 9 days worth of growth in 7 days. Yay, starting to feel excited and graduate to OB.

OB appointment at 10 weeks, no heartbeat. Baby has died. D&C scheduled for following week.

Grief follows. Yesterday I would have been 12 weeks pregnant. We had less than a 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing the baby's heartbeat. One of my best friends is 15 weeks pregnant today.

I thought I knew. Then I realised I didn't know. Now I know absolutely nothing.

Knowing

Can I know? I mean really know in the deep recesses of my mind and soul that I will never bear children?

When I was about 10 years old I told my Nanna that I felt like I knew things, knew them before they happened and wasn't surprised when they did happen. She told me that she believed the women in our family have such a gift of knowing. I was 10 so I took this as fact and didn't ask about it further. She died when I was 16 and I never talked to her about it again.

From childhood I knew that I would die at 20. This isn't as morbid as it sounds. It was one of those thoughts in the back of my mind. A statement similar to "I am going to school today" in its weight and yet not as immediately obvious as to its truth. I was convinced it was true. Yet it didn't impact me greatly, I was young and I still planned and dreamed for my adult life. The thing is, I did die when I was 20. Not a physical death, but a spiritual one. A month before Easter in the year I was 20 years old I was given the gift of faith, and as such counted myself "dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus" (Romans 6:11). In scriptural words my old sinful self died and I was born again (John 3:3, 1Peter 1:23).

During high school I became convinced that I would lose my first child. Again it was a calm knowing, a quiet fact, one that didn't bother me as much as impending exams, hormones, friends and boys. Since that time I have miscarried my first child, and numerous others.

In the weeks following my conversion to Christ I had a strong knowing sense that I would never have children. I talked about it with my Mum and she shared she had always feared that would be true for her too, and yet it obviously wasn't and she told me not to worry. At the time I wasn't worried about it. Again it was simply a fact, a deep stirring in my heart with no immediate implications as I wasn't in a relationship and had no plans for marriage.

During this most recent IVF cycle I knew I would get pregnant. I've never known before, never had that deep confidence that I would conceive. I've hoped, prayed, and misinterpreted symptoms, but never known I would be pregnant. I find myself almost unable to explain how I knew (and how I didn't know it wouldn't continue). It seems ridiculous to me, a trained scientist-practitioner, that I would support a theory based on gut instinct without any tangible evidence. Then again, I suppose that is what (a simplified view of) faith is.

So as my DH and I face another IVF cycle I am pondering this question: Do I know that I can't have children?

There is no medical evidence that I won't conceive or bear a child to term.
I do not have a direct revelation from God saying that I won't have children.

And yet I have had a feeling for 10 years that I won't have children, and a growing heart and love for children in need. Years ago my DH and I discovered our love for children, not just our hoped-for own, but all children, in all circumstances. We planned (huh!) to have a couple children of our own and then to foster children in need, to combine our desire for a big family with our heart for struggling and lost families.

I feel terribly confused. I think that the answer won't become apparent until it's the right time, but I could do with some guidance.

Shortlived

Spotting last night turned into full flow this morning.

We are heartbroken and confused as to why this keeps happening.

Ahem

... two pink lines ....

The second line was distinct, not as dark as the control line, but it was clear, even in the half light at 4:30 this morning. It's been a week since my last HcG injection so the result shouldn't be impacted by that.

We're optimistically, cautiously happy (how's that for a statement). We've had a number of chemical pregnancies so we're not about to get too excited. However, it's been a long time since we've seen that elusive second line, so we are happy. (Even DH was happy when I woke him up to tell him at 4:30!)

I had some further cramping last night but it hasn't continued today. Despite some mild nausea this morning (which could have been due to dinner last night) I'm feeling well.

I'm trying to not worry or be anxious. A blood test on Wednesday will hopefully confirm what the stick reported today. I don't plan to POAS again. I don't feel pregnant, but I suppose that's not too unusual, it's so early and not everyone experiences pregnancy symptoms early on.

9dp3dt...

...And I woke up feeling very premenstrual this morning, after having a dream that my period had arrived (it hasn't). I'm hoping I'm as successful as my DH in foretelling the future.

I'm tired, my br.easts are a little sore, I had brief sharp cramps (x3), I was nauseous this morning. These are the usual premenstrual symptoms, complicated by an awful case of hayfever.

The combination of all this yuckiness has broken my resolve to not think about whether I may be pregnant or not. My period would be due tomorrow so I'm going to POAS in the morning, since tomorrow is the only day that is not filled with people and busy-ness, and will allow me time to process whatever the stick reveals.

I realise that I'm not out yet. This cycle only finishes when AF shows herself or I get a negative blood test. I've just had a "feeling" this cycle...and we know how trustworthy they are!

How many days am I?

I do love a FET cycle. I'm (stopping to count on my hands...) 5dp3dt today and I'm feeling really good. There is something wonderful about not pumping your body full of hormones from CD3. I've had 2 luteal support injections of HcG (Pre.gnyl) but otherwise it's a completely natural cycle.

The differences between this cycle and our first IVF our huge. The main difference is how relaxed I feel. I haven't felt worried or guilty, I haven't (yet, there's always time!) analyzed every symptom. In fact, the only time I've had "symptoms" is following the hormone injections, so I know them to be the side effects of the drug. I don't feel stressed and I'm hoping that this will continue to be the case.

I have no idea what our little embryo is doing inside me. I'm hoping that it's starting to implant and will continue to grow into a baby. I'm so grateful to God for creating this child and I pray that He will always look after that which He has created - on Earth or in Heaven. But please Lord, let our baby live on earth!

My blood test is on 31st March. How many days away is that? 7 full days (...after checking on the calendar... oh how I hope this relaxation continues!)

Transfer Day

All went swimmingly well today at the transfer (not anywhere near as traumatizing as IVF #1!)
Our one embryo had continued to grow, and was at 8 cells today (3dt).

It was great chatting to the embryologist, I found out lots of information that our FS hadn't told us. Evidently there is only a 10% chance of eggs thawing and they did not hold much hope for any of our three frozen eggs. He also commented that frozen eggs do not generally fertilize and grow as well as fresh eggs and they were again surprised and pleased when our embryo grew so well. He pointed to a chart on the wall and said our embryo looks better than the one pictured! If I love hearing compliments about our embryo, imagine how much more I'll savour them when it's born a baby!

I had an acupuncture session afterward and am now feeling very relaxed. As usual I plan to rest for most of today and for something different I plan to make red velvet cupcakes this evening for the first time (KK you inspired me!) :)

I read this article and it's made me think a lot about guilt and pressure in trying to do all the "right things" to achieve a pregnancy. I've changed my diet, I've visited a naturopath, I consult an acupuncturist, I take vitamins, I'm on extended leave from work, I've reduced caffeine, won't now drink alcohol for two weeks...etc... In the past two weeks I haven't stuck so closely to my diet and I was starting to feel guilty and worried.

I've realised (again!) I have little control over my fertility. I do not need to be afraid, I need to trust that the God who has created my embryo will continue to bring it life, if He chooses to. Each day of this TWW I will choose to trust in Him who is the author of life, and not in what I eat, do, or think. I will continue to do the eat, drink, relax thing if I find them helpful and easy to manage. But I know that if this embryo lives or dies it is because God made it so.

Aaagh. Two Week Wait... we meet again! :)