The year of the baby

Technically it's the Chinese year of the Tiger, but my DH keeps calling 2010 "the year of the baby". Of course I'm happy to go along with this. I wonder how many babies born this year would have been christened "Tiger" if the Tiger Woods scandal hadn't have broken?

Four days (and counting) to CD1 and start of FET cycle!

LOL

Stands for Lady of Leisure.

I met with my manager yesterday and she approved my leave without pay from work ... for the entire year! I wasn't really expecting it to be that long, but I think it worked better for her because she can offer someone a longer, albeit temporary, contract.

It's freaking me out that I don't need to return to work until 2011. I've been kind of bored and restless the last few days so I'm hoping I can find enough to occupy me for the next 10 months. What am I thinking?!? I have IVF to do and a baby to make (God willing, of course) - I'll have lots to do!

On another note, I also spoke yesterday with a baking teacher at a local adult education centre about my love of making bread, especially sourdough. He said he would try to find me a place in a course being offered to apprentice bakers in artisan bread making that is starting soon! I'm so excited.

So in at least one way this year
I will be putting a "bun in the oven"
(*cue laughter and eyerolls*)

LOL

It's a 2WW...

...of a different kind.

And I must say that I prefer this wait than any other that has preceded it. I'm full of excitement and anticipation in starting our next IVF cycle in 2 weeks. We're doing a modified version of FET. DH and I decided that we didn't want to freeze embryos, so instead we froze three eggs from our first IVF. In two weeks I'll find out what the process of defrosting, fertilizing, transferring and drug-taking is.

I'm praying that God would bless us with a pregnancy through IVF. That He might see that we desire to honour and please Him more than we desire to be parents. That He knows that our desire to be parents is strong and that we trust in His sovereignty.

Irony

Last night I ovulated.

For me this is a pretty normal occurrence. It's all part of my "normal" infertility existence. This time I felt it when I ovulated. This is not my usual experience, but it has happened before.

When I felt it, I felt something else too. It's hard to explain.

It's something like sadness but with more hope.

It's like a reflection of my past when I considered myself fertile, and yet now I know I am not.

It's feeling normal and functional, but not expecting anything to come from it.

It aches in me and yet at the same time it lightens me and reminds me to hope.



I will to continue to trust in the Lord. For he knows the plans he has for me, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

There is no irony there. Just clear-cut truths.

DH has left the building...

Exams are over! Yippee! And today DH returned to work. Oh well, that's life and it is some consolation to me that he was looking forward to going back. I woke up early with him this morning and it was nice to see him putting on a shirt and tie, rather than the usual comfortable but daggy study clothes. He looked so handsome!

Another good thing about him returning to work is that his study is tidy and clean! Another yippee! I like tidy, it helps me to relax.

A further good thing is that because I got up early today I have already completed the grocery shopping and put it away. Unfortunately I wasn't early enough to the supermarket to avoid the mothers with their young children (which still tug at my heart strings), but it's good that I have the day stretching out ahead of me.

That being said, I don't have a lot to do. I mean, there's always chores, but I don't always feel like doing them. I took time off work to focus on IVF treatment, as I wasn't coping with the child-centred and emotional nature of my work, but I haven't done any treatment for the past 2 months. Ironically I'm due to start back at work in early April, a month after we recommence IVF. I don't think I'm ready to go back to work yet. I have a meeting with my manager on Friday morning to discuss me coming back, but I'm going to ask her for another 5 months. I figure by then I'll have more of an idea of what is happening in my life and what I am capable of.

But for today I have a craft project that has been waiting for me, a cake decorating class to prepare for, and a curry to cook for dinner. That should be plenty to keep me entertained until DH comes home.

The blessing of family

I really have the most wonderful family. Sure sometimes I feel like the black sheep: misunderstood and isolated, and subsequently my family can get on my nerves.

But my family love me and they show it. And for that I am so grateful.

Take my husband for example. Amidst his study stress he has been thoughtful, attentive and loving. He's always willing to listen and talk to me and he asks for very little in return. He's interstate for his final exam this morning and he still thinks to send me a message telling me he loves me and asking if I slept okay without him. Since we've been married he has tried so hard to show me love in the way I need to be loved (i.e. kind words, conversation and quality time). I am truly blessed to have him.

Last night my mum and sister took me to the outdoor cinema in our town to see Sherlock Holmes. We packed a picnic and they made sure that the food they had planned fit in with my new diet. They paid for my ticket. They picked me up and dropped me home. We had a lovely night together and I felt so loved by them.

When speaking to my mother-in-law the other day I tried to invite myself over to dinner at her house for tonight, as they live close to the airport where I will pick up DH and they always want me to come over, even if DH is out of town. They had plans to go out, but this morning I get a message from my 22 yr old brother-in-law asking me over for dinner because he will be home alone. He even offered to cook! (But I think I'll pick up takeout on the way!) What a wonderful boy!

In the past few years I expected (hoped) that my family would grow with the addition of children to our marriage. This has not yet happened and I hope that it still will. What has happened instead is that my family has grown in other ways. Four years ago I married and inherited two brothers, one sister, and two parents-in-law. In the past year the two elder siblings of my DH have started relationships and these people are starting to become friends. Three years ago my sister got married to a wonderful man. Last week when she was OS for work he came over for dinner and we had a fantastic night of conversation and laughs. He is becoming a truly wonderful brother. DH's cousins are becoming my cousins and friends. My cousin's wives are slowly becoming friends. Dear friends of mine are starting to describe me as their sister.

My family is expanding. Not in the way I expected. But in a truly beautiful and amazing way all the same. I praise God for how he has blessed me in this way.

Recap

It's laughable that my last post was entitled "slowly coming back", and then I disappear off the radar for what seems like an age. Partly that's because very little has been happening in our TTC conceive world as we are on a break. It's also because my DH has been madly studying for exams and has virtually lived in the study where we keep our computer. By the time I am allowed access it's just before bedtime, when I'm trying to stop my reflective mind from whirring so I can sleep. So slowly meant slowly. But I'm back now. DH has his first, of four, exams this morning so I've reclaimed the computer. Sure, I had to clear a path to it, stack piles of paper that threatened to fall, and find a clear space to sit, but I'm here now, with my back to the disarray, enjoying my time back typing and reflecting.

A summary of the past weeks may help (me, maybe not you, you may not be interested, if you are still reading anyway!). This is what I've been up to:

• Started a endo-based diet. Strictly it involves no dairy, caffeine, sugar, soy, red meat, or wheat. On advice I'm slightly less strict.
• Visited a naturopath for advice. Altered diet slightly, was recommended a high-antioxidant diet. Now eat: whole grains, lots of fruit/veges, reduced wheat, green tea, natural yoghurt, reduced milk, no sugar, organic meat in decreased amounts, no soy. I'm loving the whole grains thing. Who would have thought that barley and buckwheat could be so tasty?! Even DH is happy. Naturopath also made up a foul tasting herbal mixture for me to drink 2x day. The things we do...
  
• Continued my growing obsession with making sourdough bread, which has seen me do LOTS of baking, even in the crazy heat which characterizes an Australian summer! Discovered that my naturopath is also an enthusiast and she suggested that the fermentation process may be good for my gut - yay! That being said, I try to keep the consumption to a minimum.
• Started a cake decorating course. This is in no way conducive with my diet, but it's more of a craft exercise so I can justify it. Also hoping to do a course in sweet artisan bread soon too.
• Had internal 3D scans and blood doppler tests and was told again that everything looks normal - oh how I'm learning to hate that word. Surely if I was truly normal I would be pregnant by now?
• Keep hearing good news stories of friends who have been TTC for a long time with ART finally becoming pregnant. Yay for KK for her and TFO's wonderful surprise! Yay also for S and J who have both become pregnant via IVF after many cycles. I'm excited for you all. This also makes me look forward to resuming treatment ourselves, come on AF, I know you've just left but I'm looking forward to your return! (for the first time ever!)

I think that brings me up to date to the current moment. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow, reading, writing and commenting. I've missed this so much. With DH studying (and seemingly only capable of discussing what he's learning), being a long-term TTC so that friends/family don't tend to ask anymore, and not having access to this blog, I've been kinda lonely and pent up. Beware blog world, flood gates may open...!