"In cases such as these, a good memory is unpardonable"

So spoke Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice when she told her sister about her betrothal to Mr Darcy. She had hated him. But she was right, when you're engaged, it's best to forget about that.

It's the same with infertility.

My poor memory serves me well. Without it, I'd probably never get through repeated rounds of fertility treatments. Each cycle I start, surprisingly oblivious to what is to come. I even make statements such as "I won't analyze my symptoms this cycle." Of course I will. That statement was made when I had no symptoms!

On Sunday night I injected my final Pregnyl injection for this cycle. Within an hour I was sobbing. The next day my breasts had increased in size and hurt like blazes. I was constipated. I am nauseous in the mornings. This morning I woke up and almost burst into tears because I had accidentally thrown out the wrong piece of paper. It didn't matter. It had no effect. And yet I was devastated.

My body believes that it's pregnant. I won't know if it is or isn't for another week.

How on earth do I ignore the symptoms!??! How on earth do I reconcile to my brain that it's only my body that feels pregnant, it's only because of the injected hormones that it feels this way!??! What do I do with the hope that surges with my HSG levels??

I forgot that it was like this during the second week of the 2ww last time. And the time before. Yet I can't remember how I got through it last time either.

In cases such as these, a good memory is unpardonable. If I had a good memory, I probably wouldn't have put myself through this again.