From grief to champagne

Well the plan was to grieve for two days and then get back on with life. Six days later and I'm back to feeling ok again. The strength of my grief took me by surprise. The variation of emotions and thoughts over 5 days of immense sadness are too many to recount easily. It is safe to say that I thought we were at the end of our TTC journey, that I would never birth or mother a child, and that I was filled with sorrow.

Thanks to the mercy of God, a wonderful husband, and a fantastic FS we have a plan.

Last night we saw the FS to review the IUIs and plan the next step. I told her about the positive HPTs I have had for 2 IUI cycles (I refused to POAS for the 2nd cycle) and she thought that it couldn't be due to the Pregnyl because of the time line. Because I have now had 3 positive pregnancy tests this year (following the removal of endometriosis) she suggested that our problem is not fertilization, but is instead implantation. I can't believe it. I can get "pregnant" but my body aborts the embryo before it can implant. How can I want something so much and yet my very body thwarts me in achieving it??

So now the plan is to undergo more tests. Blood tests to determine something-or-other (might have to ask DH to recall that one) and chromosomal issues; scans to check uterine blood flow. Our next step depends on the outcome of these tests. Best case scenario is medication (clexane and aspirin) and then another IUI in December. I'm not sure what the worst case scenario is. Maybe we won't be able to have children at all. At least we'll know then and can move on in some way. I feel surprisingly at peace about it all.

So I may be partway through our one month off TTC, or we may need to have more months off. I'm not sure. I'm already enjoying not injecting hormones. I feel like me again. I'm loving that Spring has sprung and my town is basked in glorious sunshine. I love that DH has just woken up from night-shift and I get to hang out with him - he's shockingly funny and cute when he's recovering from night shifts.

It's my 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. Bring on the French champagne.