Give and Take

Some days I think I'm getting used to "being infertile". Some days I figure that this is my lot in life and I can handle it. Some days I feel like I can handle infertility for even longer, other days I feel like I cannot handle one more second of "hope deferred".

Today I'm continuing with my resolve to not analyze every symptom, I've even convinced myself that I'm not having any! But an analytical mind must be directed somewhere, or else my resolve will break. So today I'm reflecting on the Give and Take nature of infertility.

On first thoughts, infertility has taken more than it has given. It has taken,

• my naivety about conception and how easy it can be
• whole days given over to sadness and grief
• at times, my lightheartedness and joy in life
• my ability to think about anything else unrelated to IF for long periods of time
• my closeness to a best friend who, although she once struggled with IF herself, has had chronic moments of insensitivity when she became pregnant and birthed a child
• my ability to conceive naturally, without intervention
• at times, my hope about becoming a mother
  
• at times, my ability to sympathise with mothers who struggle with their children
• my ability to appear cheerful and happy, when I feel anything but
• my sense of control

But it has given me things too. Infertility has given me,

• an absolute appreciation for life and how precious it is
• increased closeness to my husband
• a continued desire to trust in God for all things
• the ability to give myself sub-cut injections
• an internal view of my reproductive system (I have pictures!)
  
• weight-gain, bloating, headaches, aching breasts.... (but this was supposed to be a positive list!) :)
• the resolve that I do want to be a mother above any other career options
  
• humility as I've had to confide in people what is happening to us (as well as having specialists view parts of me I'd rather they hadn't!)
• gratefulness for medical provisions for infertility and our ability to afford treatment
• an increased heart for children who suffer or are abused, and a joint desire with my husband to foster children
• the knowledge that my husband longs to be a father and that this has increased each day of our struggle
  
• the knowledge that I am loved by family and friends, who even if they are not sure how to care for me, do their very best every day
• irrepressible hope
  

I do hope I don't have to wear the mantle of infertility for much longer. Although I have gained much through the past two years, the burden of IF feels too much to bear at times. I will just have to continue to trust that God knows of our pain, it was He who said,

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

He is the gardener, I will trust in Him.