Birth

Yesterday my friend, who was 3 weeks ahead of me in pregnancy, gave birth to a boy. A beautiful son.

Hearing her birth story and holding her son made me grieve anew the loss of our son. Our son was due to be born on February 9th. Our sons would have grown up together, played together, hopefully prayed together.

I'm so glad for her and her husband. I'm thankful to God that he kept them all safe and healthy when she was in labour. I'm so glad that I had the strength and enough love for them to visit them in the hospital.

But I hurt. So much. My heart aches for my lost child, for the lost opportunity to parent, for what could have been.

I hurt for what may happen next, the vast, horrible unknown of it all.

I asked the Lord that I might grow

A poem by John Newton that captures my experience and feeling perfectly.

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

'Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request;
And by His love's constraining pow'r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow'rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
"'Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may'st find thy all in Me."


That's all for today. Praise be to God.

Holidays

I've just returned from a long and very relaxing holiday with my DH. God used this holiday time to challenge me, convict me of my sin of selfishness, and remind me of his awesome love and mercy. It was a marvelous time and I hope to write more about it later on.

Today we have landed back into normal life and have been to the wedding of two beautiful young people who DH and I used to know when we led them in youth group! (I deliberately mentioned that they are young, so to avoid labeling us as old!) Tonight we will have dinner and see a musical with my DH's brother and his fiance. Tomorrow we hope to visit another church and will spend the afternoon cleaning out our study ready for me to do some work on Monday.

On Monday DH returns to work and I hope to start on the many blog posts I hope to write to account for what has been going on over the past four weeks. I also have lots of reading and commenting to catch up on as well. Being without phones, internet and tv was fine, it was missing my sisterhood and all your stories that I struggled with!