I just can't stop crying. I don't want to go out. I just want to hide away and not think about anything.
When I think I start to get scared.
I'm scared at the strength of my grief. I'm scared that the only mothering I'll ever get to do is grieving my lost children. I'm scared I'll never hold my children in my arms. I'm scared I'll lose all my friends. I'm scared to go out in case I lose the plot/feel angry at families with children/break something and/or scream. I'm scared that people might see this side of me. I'm scared of having nothing to do, of having no goals during the next two months break from TTC. I'm scared of how much I'll scream at people when they say, "Count your blessings", or "It wasn't to be" or "maybe next time". I'm scared that there will be no end to this horrible, painful, insidious time of infertility.
I'm scared that I'm not myself. I'm scared that I won't be the self that I have dreamed of since I was 10 years old, I'm scared I won't be able to call myself "Mother".
The Brambles
23 hours ago
Psalm 30:5
ReplyDeleteWeeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 37:39
The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalm 46:1-2
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
Psalm 71:20-21
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
I love the way you expressed these fears...I am struggling with these exact feelings. I cried for a few hours straight last night over it all, woke up in the middle of the night crying, and continued to seep tears this morning. This is a scary journey, indeed.
ReplyDeleteAnother blogger friend (Adding to the Pack) pointed me to your blog because we are Christians considering IVF with limited fertilization and egg freezing. I am so sorry your IVF cycle was negative - my heart breaks for you.