Have job...don't work

Today it was 4 weeks since my last day at work. The same as on the last day, I joined a number of my work friends for drinks at the pub, on what has become a regular Thursday night ritual. It was great to see them and great to catch up on all the work gossip. But what was even better was the realization that giving up work was the best thing I could have done for myself. Everyone commented that I looked happy and rested, and I realised that they were right, I am. Although we failed our second IUI last week and I've spent much of the past week feeling despondent and sad, I do feel like I'm coping better with life.

I gave up work because I wanted to do something proactive with my life. For years I had been looking forward to the day I would stop work and become a mother. As the years rolled on, I started to wonder what else I could be pursuing, a change in career, a different direction with my career, further study? I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I kept on waiting, hoping that I would soon get pregnant. Two years into TTC it dawned on me that I don't want another career, another hobby, another thing filling in my time. I want to be a mother. But pursuing fertility treatments was taking its toll. I work with kids in a caring profession. I could not meet with another mother who did not want to be a mother, or who struggled with her kids.

So my DH and I decided that I would give up work for a time, not to pursue other directions, but to continue with fertility treatments, but this time with time for me. Time for me to get excited and hopeful. Time for me to schedule all the appointments without rescheduling my entire work diary. Time for me to reflect on life and the new life we want to make together. Time for me to give back to my family and friends, knowing that if it hurt to give I would have time and space to recover. Time for me to reconnect with God and to learn to trust in Him again and to cry out to Him when I need to. Time to be, not just do.

Tonight I realised that I'm heading in the right direction. Whether or not we have a baby, I will not have given all my life away in trying. I will not become bitter. I will not harden myself towards life and others as I try to cope. I will love God, trust in Him, and keep walking the path that has been laid out for me. I will have hope.