Meh...

Yesterdays doctor's appointment did not go as expected. Essentially he scoffed at the MTHFR and homocysteine diagnosis, saying that it makes no difference to a woman's ability to conceive or give birth to healthy children, and suggested that the doctor who made the diagnosis gets excited by blood test results that she shouldn't be excited by.

When he said this, so bluntly, I felt the world collapse from under me and I couldn't stop crying. I realised how much hope I was putting in this diagnosis being the answer to all our problems. As you can tell from my last post, I was expecting that we would have a clear direction after yesterdays appointment; a decision of whether we would stop or continue IVF.

So the appointment didn't turn out like either DH or I expected. It did not give us the direction we are so obviously craving. The doctor did send me for blood tests to recheck my homocysteine level (I have no idea why) and suggested that is might be a marker for something else wrong in my body. He seems to be thinking there might be something wrong with my kidneys. At this point I was feeling a little incredulous. I mean, who cares about my kidneys when my entire reproductive system isn't working!!? DH explained to me (putting his medical hat on for a moment) that the kidney's regulate hormones and have a great deal to do with fertility.

So. I'll get blood results back on Thursday or Friday and I have a couple of tests/ultrasounds I'll need to get to in between Christmas, New Year and holidays.

We're not completely decided as to whether we will continue IVF in 2011. I feel so very fragile emotionally and I feel I won't be able to bear another loss. Also, I can't help wondering if the feeling I had back in my early 20s that I'll never be a mother should be heeded. I know feelings can be just feelings, but I want to hear God's call on my life and I plan to spend the holiday break praying and listening to God.

I don't know anything

It's been a while since my last post, and who knows, maybe no one will see this post because you've all given up on me. It's obvious to say it but I haven't felt like blogging lately. I find it difficult to write when my head is full of thoughts and feelings that I can't make sense of. Certainly my last post had me questioning whether it was right for us to continue with IVF, whether we would ever be pregnant, whether we would ever have children.

So imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant.

Yep, pregnant. (But don't get excited, this story doesn't have a happy ending). We had decided to do a long down regulation IVF cycle to see if it would suppress my endometriosis. We also decided that we would grow out any embryos to day 5/blastocyst, thinking that they would be stronger and survive their introduction into my womb better than if they were younger.

So we transferred one "perfect" blast and hoped for the best. I went in 2 days early for my BT since I had had implantation difficulties previously. HCG = 42. Not high, but definitely pregnant. Two days later, HCG = 72. Not exactly doubling, but Dr Google assured me that doubling time could take between 2-4 days. Three days later, HCG = 160. Ok, we're pregnant, let's wait for the scan. First scan at 7wks5d, heartbeat = 131! There's a real baby in there! But FS concerned and wants to have another scan because baby is measuring a few days behind. Second scan 8wks5d, heartbeat = 158 and baby has caught up 9 days worth of growth in 7 days. Yay, starting to feel excited and graduate to OB.

OB appointment at 10 weeks, no heartbeat. Baby has died. D&C scheduled for following week.

Grief follows. Yesterday I would have been 12 weeks pregnant. We had less than a 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing the baby's heartbeat. One of my best friends is 15 weeks pregnant today.

I thought I knew. Then I realised I didn't know. Now I know absolutely nothing.

Ahem

... two pink lines ....

The second line was distinct, not as dark as the control line, but it was clear, even in the half light at 4:30 this morning. It's been a week since my last HcG injection so the result shouldn't be impacted by that.

We're optimistically, cautiously happy (how's that for a statement). We've had a number of chemical pregnancies so we're not about to get too excited. However, it's been a long time since we've seen that elusive second line, so we are happy. (Even DH was happy when I woke him up to tell him at 4:30!)

I had some further cramping last night but it hasn't continued today. Despite some mild nausea this morning (which could have been due to dinner last night) I'm feeling well.

I'm trying to not worry or be anxious. A blood test on Wednesday will hopefully confirm what the stick reported today. I don't plan to POAS again. I don't feel pregnant, but I suppose that's not too unusual, it's so early and not everyone experiences pregnancy symptoms early on.

9dp3dt...

...And I woke up feeling very premenstrual this morning, after having a dream that my period had arrived (it hasn't). I'm hoping I'm as successful as my DH in foretelling the future.

I'm tired, my br.easts are a little sore, I had brief sharp cramps (x3), I was nauseous this morning. These are the usual premenstrual symptoms, complicated by an awful case of hayfever.

The combination of all this yuckiness has broken my resolve to not think about whether I may be pregnant or not. My period would be due tomorrow so I'm going to POAS in the morning, since tomorrow is the only day that is not filled with people and busy-ness, and will allow me time to process whatever the stick reveals.

I realise that I'm not out yet. This cycle only finishes when AF shows herself or I get a negative blood test. I've just had a "feeling" this cycle...and we know how trustworthy they are!

How many days am I?

I do love a FET cycle. I'm (stopping to count on my hands...) 5dp3dt today and I'm feeling really good. There is something wonderful about not pumping your body full of hormones from CD3. I've had 2 luteal support injections of HcG (Pre.gnyl) but otherwise it's a completely natural cycle.

The differences between this cycle and our first IVF our huge. The main difference is how relaxed I feel. I haven't felt worried or guilty, I haven't (yet, there's always time!) analyzed every symptom. In fact, the only time I've had "symptoms" is following the hormone injections, so I know them to be the side effects of the drug. I don't feel stressed and I'm hoping that this will continue to be the case.

I have no idea what our little embryo is doing inside me. I'm hoping that it's starting to implant and will continue to grow into a baby. I'm so grateful to God for creating this child and I pray that He will always look after that which He has created - on Earth or in Heaven. But please Lord, let our baby live on earth!

My blood test is on 31st March. How many days away is that? 7 full days (...after checking on the calendar... oh how I hope this relaxation continues!)

Transfer Day

All went swimmingly well today at the transfer (not anywhere near as traumatizing as IVF #1!)
Our one embryo had continued to grow, and was at 8 cells today (3dt).

It was great chatting to the embryologist, I found out lots of information that our FS hadn't told us. Evidently there is only a 10% chance of eggs thawing and they did not hold much hope for any of our three frozen eggs. He also commented that frozen eggs do not generally fertilize and grow as well as fresh eggs and they were again surprised and pleased when our embryo grew so well. He pointed to a chart on the wall and said our embryo looks better than the one pictured! If I love hearing compliments about our embryo, imagine how much more I'll savour them when it's born a baby!

I had an acupuncture session afterward and am now feeling very relaxed. As usual I plan to rest for most of today and for something different I plan to make red velvet cupcakes this evening for the first time (KK you inspired me!) :)

I read this article and it's made me think a lot about guilt and pressure in trying to do all the "right things" to achieve a pregnancy. I've changed my diet, I've visited a naturopath, I consult an acupuncturist, I take vitamins, I'm on extended leave from work, I've reduced caffeine, won't now drink alcohol for two weeks...etc... In the past two weeks I haven't stuck so closely to my diet and I was starting to feel guilty and worried.

I've realised (again!) I have little control over my fertility. I do not need to be afraid, I need to trust that the God who has created my embryo will continue to bring it life, if He chooses to. Each day of this TWW I will choose to trust in Him who is the author of life, and not in what I eat, do, or think. I will continue to do the eat, drink, relax thing if I find them helpful and easy to manage. But I know that if this embryo lives or dies it is because God made it so.

Aaagh. Two Week Wait... we meet again! :)

He's no prophet

Last night my DH, in an uncharacteristically pessimistic and doomsday-ish kind of mood, predicted that Wednesday would be one of the worst days of our lives. He predicted that,

a) we would find out that our one egg didn't fertilize, hence cancelling this cycle,
b) my friend would email me back and say she no longer wanted to be friends with me, and
c) we would be notified that he failed his exams, which he studied for 3 months for and needs to pass to proceed with his work training.

He was freaking me out because he's normally the calm, don't count our eggs until they've fertilized kind of guy. And these predictions were definitely the worse case scenario.

Thankfully his predictions started proving false with a couple of hours. My friend emailed me and said she is really keen to make things right and to recommence our friendship at the previous deep level (yay!). I spoke to the nurse an hour ago to hear that our one egg fertilized and we are planning ET on Thursday (double yay!!) Now we wait until tomorrow to see his exam results - can we be heading for a triple yay!!!??? I'll be praying for it to be so.

It only takes one

So please, please let it be this one!

I just got off the phone with the nurse who said that out of 3 frozen eggs only one survived the thaw.

I could tell in her voice that she was ringing to prepare me so I was relieved to hear that at least one survived. Tomorrow we will hear if our one egg fertilizes.

It's not great odds, but I'm hoping we can still proceed to transfer on Wednesday.

(Haven't heard back yet from the friend who I emailed on Friday (see last post). Trying not to worry about it, but who am I kidding? I've checked my email every half hour for the past 3 days!)

CD2

Our break is over and now we are back to TTC. I was praying for a miracle BFP during our break, especially after my FS suggested that it could happen but I'm not all that surprised that it didn't happen, even still I'm a little disappointed.

So the first lot of good news is that we start our FE(egg)T cycle this month! Maybe I should be calling it a FO(oocyte)T cycle to avoid confusion? I spoke to one of the clinic nurses this morning and it sounds like it will be a relatively relaxed affair, no pre-drugs and no theatre, but I will get more information from her tomorrow after she speaks to our FS.

The second lot of good news is that AF came yesterday without any cramping whatsoever! I have never, never, never had this happen before. Before surgery to remove endometriosis I would wake in the middle of the night with chronic period pain and couldn't return to sleep until after a lot of painkillers. After surgery the pain reduced so that I didn't need painkillers for the first 6 months, but since then I have needed painkillers again, although the pain hadn't returned to waking me in the night. But no pain?! Such a joy and a surprise. I'm pretty sure this isn't just an anomaly, because it's never happened before. It's likely that the combination of the new diet and the naturopath's herbal mixture eradicated the pain.

Oh I hope I continue to be pain-free and that I get pregnant too! What a great motivation to continue with the diet plan.

It's a 2WW...

...of a different kind.

And I must say that I prefer this wait than any other that has preceded it. I'm full of excitement and anticipation in starting our next IVF cycle in 2 weeks. We're doing a modified version of FET. DH and I decided that we didn't want to freeze embryos, so instead we froze three eggs from our first IVF. In two weeks I'll find out what the process of defrosting, fertilizing, transferring and drug-taking is.

I'm praying that God would bless us with a pregnancy through IVF. That He might see that we desire to honour and please Him more than we desire to be parents. That He knows that our desire to be parents is strong and that we trust in His sovereignty.

I have no idea

Nope, not a one. I could not tell you whether I thought I was pregnant or not.

I've had symptoms. But what are symptoms when you are taking a nightly dose of progesterone? Most likely they're side effects, not symptoms.

I can tell you that I have no HPTs in the house. I know because I searched the house when I got out of bed this morning. DH and I decided that we wouldn't test and would wait until BT on Wednesday. But this didn't stop me looking for them. I'm promising myself I will not buy any when I shop for groceries later today.

I hate waiting. I need to know. But I need to wait to know. DH and I have planned our week around knowing. Neither of us have anything planned for Wednesday. If it's bad news we'll grieve together. If it's good news we'll dance around in circles. There will be no in between. We'll grieve or we'll celebrate.

But for now I'll wait. And I'll try to do it patiently.

Oh, emotion

Today is not such a good day. I was going so well. Then yesterday, the emotions hit. It started when my cousin came over and told us about his new baby and how he wasn't sleeping much at all and how stressed his wife is. I sympathized, I really did. I told him I would be praying for them, and I am. But as he was telling me I was struck with such sadness. My cousin was obviously tired, distressed and worried. It was great that he could talk to me and DH about it. However, the selfish infertile in me thought "at least you have a baby" and "at least you can talk about this with people." I was horrified that I would think like this and that it would make me so sad.

Today the sadness continues. I accidentally made my Mum think that I am pregnant. I was at her house and having a whinge about the physical symptoms I am experiencing. She heard "sore bre.asts" and assumed I was pregnant. I've told her about IVF and about hormone treatments but she hadn't put two and two together to realize that my symptoms are related to the artificial hormones. I felt so bad that my whinging had caused her to hope.

I would take all these symptoms (sore BBs, veins, tiredness, nausea, night urination) and more if someone would just tell me I'm pregnant. Tell me that it's my baby doing this to me and I will relish the opportunity to vomit daily, need a nap after doing the vacuuming, and get up while it's still dark to use the toilet.

I will go through anything to be pregnant.

Undergoing fertility treatments makes me think that I will endure anything to be pregnant.

Waiting, waiting...

Life (read: waiting) is going along well. That being said, it's only 4 days into the two week wait, but so far so good. Yesterday DH and I slept in, cuddled and chatted on awakening, and spent the day cuddling, laughing and watching tv together. We only went outside when we went to church in the evening. It was an entirely restful Sunday, time to enjoy each other, focus on God and all we have to be thankful for. It was exactly what I needed.

Today I spent the day surrounded by babies and pregnant women. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to handle it and would have avoided these situations. Literally my arms would ache when I would see a mother hold her child. I'm so grateful to God for bringing me to a place where I don't ache anymore. I want to be a mother, but that longing has turned into hope again rather than heartache.

I can't say I'm on symptom watch at the moment. I'm taking nightly progesterone and last night also had a HcG shot so I know all my achiness, tiredness, etc is due to the medications. It's too early to be feeling pregnancy symptoms. I have felt an odd, tingling and stretching low down in my belly, towards my pelvic bone over the past two days. Is it too much to hope for that at 4dp3dt this could be implantation? I think maybe it is.

I'm off to get crafty. Tomorrow is the Christmas celebrations for the children's group I coordinate at my church and I need to go and assemble (what feels like) a million items to make Christmas bonbons. It should be fun tomorrow!

Lost and Found

Our little embryo has been growing very nicely and we were told today that it was 8 cells and a "Grade 1" embryo. This was good news.

The embryologist came in and started preparing for the transfer. It was taking a while. She called her assistant to ask the other embryologist for assistance. He came in and she quickly left the room. Our FS came into the room to see what was happening. The second embryologist told us that the first embryologist had accidentally pushed over the container holding the embryo and they couldn't find it. This was bad news.

Our FS asked us to wait in the waiting room, DH and I decided to go for a walk. We talked and prayed. I fought down the emotions that threatened to erupt. Thankfully (praise God!) I felt a great peace and calm, and felt more worried about the upset embryologist (it must be so awful and upsetting for her, unfortunately we didn't see her again to say we understood and weren't angry). Twenty minutes later we get a call from our FS and I get the thumbs up from DH, they've found our embryo. This was good news.

We returned to the hospital and heard more about what happened and what condition our embryo is in. We got to look at our little, new, and tiny embryo. What a blessing it was to see such a beautiful bunch of cells looking like they should (and not bruised with a bump on the head!) Infertility can be very difficult, but few others get the blessing of knowing about and seeing the different stages of conception in such minute detail. The transfer went very well, no pain, little cramping, and I'm now carrying our little embryo, who DH has nicknamed "Squirmy", in my uterus.

I hope he's a feisty one. He's been through so many challenges already. I hope he's strong enough to hold on for dear life and let his parents, who already love him, meet him in 9 months.

It's been a long day. It's back to the couch for me.

DH rides a rollercoaster

Poor DH. This morning he was home alone. I was out and uncontactable until around lunch time. At 10am the phone rang. It was our FS. She told DH

Things are not going well

It appeared that of the two eggs we attempted to fertilise (freezing the remaining 4) neither had fertilised. The first had been pen etrated by two sp erm. The second appeared to be "activated" but had not progressed. They would know more in two hours and DH should expect another phone call.

Two nervous hours ensued. DH convinced himself that it was all over. At 12pm the phone rang again. A nurse from the clinic informed him that the embryologist was convinced that the second embryo had had a racing start, that the pronuclei had combined last night while noone was watching, and it had already moved on stage. So we should plan for transfer on Thursday!

Freaky.
Incredible.
Freaky.
Unbelievable.

I feel... crazily worried and nervous. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. This little life is so vulnerable and I already want to nurture it and look after it. I'm so scared we'll get another phone call tomorrow to be told that the embryologist was wrong. He's too experienced to be wrong, isn't he?!

I feel... excited. Maybe this will work for us after all?!

Oh, I hope, I hope, I hope.

Eggs are laid

I had OPU this morning, and other than being extremely nervous to the point of talking non-stop and making terrible jokes that DH felt he had to apologise for, all went well. My doctor found and retrieved 6 eggs from the 6 follicles. I was expecting to feel some pain afterwards and had planned a day on the couch, but I had only a little discomfort, so I still enjoyed a day of relaxation with a nap on the couch and DH making me lots of cups of tea!

DH and I have just been chatting and we realised how hopeful we are this cycle. After three tries at IUI we concluded that it didn't work for us. Our doctor has given us higher odds of IVF working for us and things have progressed smoothly so far. So we're hopeful. It's slightly disconcerting that our baby might be being grown in a lab downtown. It's so weird that we've each played our part in the baby making business, but we were apart for most of it. Now conception is completely in the hands of our embryologist. Oh, and God. We knew we weren't in control of baby making and that God is in control of all things, but there's nothing like removing gametes from our bodies and fertilising my ovum separate to my body to confirm that we're not in control.

Being hopeful. Not in control. Who do we put our trust in? To some extent it's the vast medical team gathered around us, giving us advice, prescribing treatment and medication, operating, and combining ova and sp erm. But ultimately we trust in God. He is the only one who can create life, even when it seems impossible to us. God hasn't promised us that we will be parents, but he has promised that he loves us, hears us, and provides good things for us. He has promised us life through his Son. I will trust and hope in God. And I will continue to ask him to heed our prayers and bless us with the desires of our hearts - a baby.

A chicken about to lay her eggs...

I had my first scan this morning, revealing 6 good size follies! Yay! We're doing a conservative round of IVF so there is no need to produce multitudes of eggs. We plan to fertilise and transfer two and freeze the remaining eggs. My belly is so tender and I swear I can feel each of the 6 follicles. How do women feel when they are growing 20 follicles?! I asked my nurse this, and she said with her characteristic humour, "They feel like they have bunches of grapes swinging around in their bellies". Love her.

After the scan I went into the city and did some shopping (yay for birthday money!) before having a first session of acupuncture. I felt hesitant about doing it, but some recent studies, including one done in my home town, suggest that there can be some benefit with acupuncture during IVF. Given that DH and I are following such a conservative approach with eggs and embryos we thought it couldn't do any harm to maximise our chances with other strategies. This means acupuncture before and after embryo transfer, no alcohol at all from this point, vitamins, eating as though pregnant from before transfer... whatever it takes (except there's no way DH will permit dancing around under a full moon! haha).

I'll find out the results of BT later this afternoon, but it looks like I'm scheduled for OPU on Monday. I am feeling nervous about Monday, it's so foreign and unknown. I don't like hospitals at all. The upside is that I'm so much better with needles now (I'm currently injecting twice daily and voluntarily went to the acupuncturist!) so I should cope better with the giving of sedation. And hey, after that I'm asleep so I won't know what is happening! :)

Here we go again

Yesterday was CD2 and I started injecting Pure.gon again, this time 125iu. AF came 4 days late. We had a hcg BT at our FS earlier in the week and got the phone call on CD31 to say it was BFN. We weren't surprised, but we're always disappointed. It meant it was easier for us to ignore the "pregnancy" symptoms I was experiencing and remember that I wasn't pregnant. My body seems so sensitive to injected hormones and takes a while to recover from them.

So now we start IVF. We seriously never thought we would get to this stage. I wasn't really surprised when we had trouble conceiving, I always had painful menses and thought something might be wrong, but I never dreamed we'd still be trying after 2.5 years and no explanation of what is going wrong, let alone starting IVF. It seems like such a scary thing, something "other people" do, not us.

But on CD3 things are going good so far. One injection won't turn me into a raving lunatic - three weeks worth might! :) Right now I have to face the oppressive heat outside (39 degrees Celsius), try and stay cool and hydrated, and try to smile at DH when he asks me to paint timber outside with him - crazy!