I don't know anything

It's been a while since my last post, and who knows, maybe no one will see this post because you've all given up on me. It's obvious to say it but I haven't felt like blogging lately. I find it difficult to write when my head is full of thoughts and feelings that I can't make sense of. Certainly my last post had me questioning whether it was right for us to continue with IVF, whether we would ever be pregnant, whether we would ever have children.

So imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant.

Yep, pregnant. (But don't get excited, this story doesn't have a happy ending). We had decided to do a long down regulation IVF cycle to see if it would suppress my endometriosis. We also decided that we would grow out any embryos to day 5/blastocyst, thinking that they would be stronger and survive their introduction into my womb better than if they were younger.

So we transferred one "perfect" blast and hoped for the best. I went in 2 days early for my BT since I had had implantation difficulties previously. HCG = 42. Not high, but definitely pregnant. Two days later, HCG = 72. Not exactly doubling, but Dr Google assured me that doubling time could take between 2-4 days. Three days later, HCG = 160. Ok, we're pregnant, let's wait for the scan. First scan at 7wks5d, heartbeat = 131! There's a real baby in there! But FS concerned and wants to have another scan because baby is measuring a few days behind. Second scan 8wks5d, heartbeat = 158 and baby has caught up 9 days worth of growth in 7 days. Yay, starting to feel excited and graduate to OB.

OB appointment at 10 weeks, no heartbeat. Baby has died. D&C scheduled for following week.

Grief follows. Yesterday I would have been 12 weeks pregnant. We had less than a 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing the baby's heartbeat. One of my best friends is 15 weeks pregnant today.

I thought I knew. Then I realised I didn't know. Now I know absolutely nothing.