Waiting, waiting...

Life (read: waiting) is going along well. That being said, it's only 4 days into the two week wait, but so far so good. Yesterday DH and I slept in, cuddled and chatted on awakening, and spent the day cuddling, laughing and watching tv together. We only went outside when we went to church in the evening. It was an entirely restful Sunday, time to enjoy each other, focus on God and all we have to be thankful for. It was exactly what I needed.

Today I spent the day surrounded by babies and pregnant women. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to handle it and would have avoided these situations. Literally my arms would ache when I would see a mother hold her child. I'm so grateful to God for bringing me to a place where I don't ache anymore. I want to be a mother, but that longing has turned into hope again rather than heartache.

I can't say I'm on symptom watch at the moment. I'm taking nightly progesterone and last night also had a HcG shot so I know all my achiness, tiredness, etc is due to the medications. It's too early to be feeling pregnancy symptoms. I have felt an odd, tingling and stretching low down in my belly, towards my pelvic bone over the past two days. Is it too much to hope for that at 4dp3dt this could be implantation? I think maybe it is.

I'm off to get crafty. Tomorrow is the Christmas celebrations for the children's group I coordinate at my church and I need to go and assemble (what feels like) a million items to make Christmas bonbons. It should be fun tomorrow!

Lost and Found

Our little embryo has been growing very nicely and we were told today that it was 8 cells and a "Grade 1" embryo. This was good news.

The embryologist came in and started preparing for the transfer. It was taking a while. She called her assistant to ask the other embryologist for assistance. He came in and she quickly left the room. Our FS came into the room to see what was happening. The second embryologist told us that the first embryologist had accidentally pushed over the container holding the embryo and they couldn't find it. This was bad news.

Our FS asked us to wait in the waiting room, DH and I decided to go for a walk. We talked and prayed. I fought down the emotions that threatened to erupt. Thankfully (praise God!) I felt a great peace and calm, and felt more worried about the upset embryologist (it must be so awful and upsetting for her, unfortunately we didn't see her again to say we understood and weren't angry). Twenty minutes later we get a call from our FS and I get the thumbs up from DH, they've found our embryo. This was good news.

We returned to the hospital and heard more about what happened and what condition our embryo is in. We got to look at our little, new, and tiny embryo. What a blessing it was to see such a beautiful bunch of cells looking like they should (and not bruised with a bump on the head!) Infertility can be very difficult, but few others get the blessing of knowing about and seeing the different stages of conception in such minute detail. The transfer went very well, no pain, little cramping, and I'm now carrying our little embryo, who DH has nicknamed "Squirmy", in my uterus.

I hope he's a feisty one. He's been through so many challenges already. I hope he's strong enough to hold on for dear life and let his parents, who already love him, meet him in 9 months.

It's been a long day. It's back to the couch for me.

DH rides a rollercoaster

Poor DH. This morning he was home alone. I was out and uncontactable until around lunch time. At 10am the phone rang. It was our FS. She told DH

Things are not going well

It appeared that of the two eggs we attempted to fertilise (freezing the remaining 4) neither had fertilised. The first had been pen etrated by two sp erm. The second appeared to be "activated" but had not progressed. They would know more in two hours and DH should expect another phone call.

Two nervous hours ensued. DH convinced himself that it was all over. At 12pm the phone rang again. A nurse from the clinic informed him that the embryologist was convinced that the second embryo had had a racing start, that the pronuclei had combined last night while noone was watching, and it had already moved on stage. So we should plan for transfer on Thursday!

Freaky.
Incredible.
Freaky.
Unbelievable.

I feel... crazily worried and nervous. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. This little life is so vulnerable and I already want to nurture it and look after it. I'm so scared we'll get another phone call tomorrow to be told that the embryologist was wrong. He's too experienced to be wrong, isn't he?!

I feel... excited. Maybe this will work for us after all?!

Oh, I hope, I hope, I hope.

Eggs are laid

I had OPU this morning, and other than being extremely nervous to the point of talking non-stop and making terrible jokes that DH felt he had to apologise for, all went well. My doctor found and retrieved 6 eggs from the 6 follicles. I was expecting to feel some pain afterwards and had planned a day on the couch, but I had only a little discomfort, so I still enjoyed a day of relaxation with a nap on the couch and DH making me lots of cups of tea!

DH and I have just been chatting and we realised how hopeful we are this cycle. After three tries at IUI we concluded that it didn't work for us. Our doctor has given us higher odds of IVF working for us and things have progressed smoothly so far. So we're hopeful. It's slightly disconcerting that our baby might be being grown in a lab downtown. It's so weird that we've each played our part in the baby making business, but we were apart for most of it. Now conception is completely in the hands of our embryologist. Oh, and God. We knew we weren't in control of baby making and that God is in control of all things, but there's nothing like removing gametes from our bodies and fertilising my ovum separate to my body to confirm that we're not in control.

Being hopeful. Not in control. Who do we put our trust in? To some extent it's the vast medical team gathered around us, giving us advice, prescribing treatment and medication, operating, and combining ova and sp erm. But ultimately we trust in God. He is the only one who can create life, even when it seems impossible to us. God hasn't promised us that we will be parents, but he has promised that he loves us, hears us, and provides good things for us. He has promised us life through his Son. I will trust and hope in God. And I will continue to ask him to heed our prayers and bless us with the desires of our hearts - a baby.

A chicken about to lay her eggs...

I had my first scan this morning, revealing 6 good size follies! Yay! We're doing a conservative round of IVF so there is no need to produce multitudes of eggs. We plan to fertilise and transfer two and freeze the remaining eggs. My belly is so tender and I swear I can feel each of the 6 follicles. How do women feel when they are growing 20 follicles?! I asked my nurse this, and she said with her characteristic humour, "They feel like they have bunches of grapes swinging around in their bellies". Love her.

After the scan I went into the city and did some shopping (yay for birthday money!) before having a first session of acupuncture. I felt hesitant about doing it, but some recent studies, including one done in my home town, suggest that there can be some benefit with acupuncture during IVF. Given that DH and I are following such a conservative approach with eggs and embryos we thought it couldn't do any harm to maximise our chances with other strategies. This means acupuncture before and after embryo transfer, no alcohol at all from this point, vitamins, eating as though pregnant from before transfer... whatever it takes (except there's no way DH will permit dancing around under a full moon! haha).

I'll find out the results of BT later this afternoon, but it looks like I'm scheduled for OPU on Monday. I am feeling nervous about Monday, it's so foreign and unknown. I don't like hospitals at all. The upside is that I'm so much better with needles now (I'm currently injecting twice daily and voluntarily went to the acupuncturist!) so I should cope better with the giving of sedation. And hey, after that I'm asleep so I won't know what is happening! :)

God provides

I was just looking through an old bag of stuff and found a card a friend had designed and given to me a long time ago. It is a very timely encouragement for me. It reads:

"For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it:

You say: it's impossible
God says: all things are possible (Luke 18:28)
You say: I'm too tired
God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28)
You say: Nobody really loves me
God says: I love you (John 3:16, John 13:34)
You say: I can't go on
God says: My grace is sufficient (2 Cor 12:9, Ps 91:15)
You say: I can't figure things out
God says: I will direct your steps (Pr 3:5-6)
You say: I can't do it
God says: You can do all things (Phil 4:13)
You say: I'm not able
God says: I am able (2 Cor 9:8)
You say: I can't forgive myself
God says: I forgive you (1 John 1:9, Romans 8:1)
You say: It's not worth it
God says: It will be worth it (Romans 8:28)
You say: I can't manage
God says: I will supply all your needs (Phil 4:19)
You say: I'm afraid
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (2 Tim 1:7)
You say: I'm always worried and frustrated
God says: Cast all your cares on me (1 Peter 5:7)
You say: I don't have enough faith
God says: I have give everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)
You say: I'm not smart enough
God says: I give you wisdom (1 Cor 1:30)
You say: I feel all alone
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5) "

A strange gift

I'm not sure how I do it. It's a gift. I seem to have a sense when a friend of mine is pregnant. Today I guessed the 5th out of 5. I wonder if it's God protecting my heart by giving my head forewarning? At least today I had the sense to email my friend and ask her directly, rather than waiting to be told in person when I see her on Saturday. That way I could have my little cry and plead with God in private and I can show her joy on the weekend.

If only the gift extended to knowing when I'll be pregnant...